Psalm 52:9
"For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."
So the day came that, if you had asked me only a couple of years ago, I would have said "No way!"
I got engaged to an incredible man this past Monday night. I want to relish in the joy of that. I want to remember all that I am feeling. And, I want to give praise to God, who has had His hand on my story from DAY 1. A God who never left and never let go. A God who gave me more than I could have ever asked or imagined and continues to blow me away with His goodness!
While I rarely take time to blog anymore, I felt like this was one of those important times that called for it. I want to look back through all the entries one day and then see this one and say, "Wow...what a God story."
I am here to tell you that my story is far from over. I'm loving turning the pages and watching it all unfold. Chapters from the past give meaning to chapters that are to come. It's all intricately designed and woven together...both the hard and broken with the beautiful and whole.
I read this quote in a blog I have followed by a widow who remarried, named Michelle Baumgard. It is powerful and so completely describes how I feel when I have been asked about how it feels to love someone again after losing a spouse.
"Loving again doesn't close the door on what you had before, in fact, it reveals it. It shows that you believed in love enough to sacrifice the pain of loss all over again. That's a testament to something beautiful that will forever endure."
She goes on to say...
"Embrace it all and live life as entirely as possible. You are still here for a reason- you should live and maybe even love."
Sometimes we believe we know just how things are going to play out. We visualize it. There are pieces that start coming together. It's what we begin to imagine and dream about and hope for. It's what we begin to expect and play out, as if we had some control over it.
For me, that is exactly what happened with my first love story. I met Bunky (Rod), dated and fell in love, got married, had a great life together with all it's ups and downs, had our children, and thought we would grow old together. Then, one day, in one single moment, all of that came to a crashing halt and my better half, best friend, father of my children, and the one that my life story was to be lived out with, took his last breath on this earth, unexpectedly. My story suddenly ended and everything felt shattered into a million pieces. It changed my view of the world (and even God, if I am being honest), in ways that took a while to recuperate from. In fact, I had fully prepared to let any story of love for me end right there with that last breath he took. I never wanted to experience that kind of love again, because the pain of losing it was too great of a risk. My heart was crushed and vulnerable and it all felt unbearable. I had resigned to the fact that I would be okay with living out my story alone.
Then, slowly after several years and many, many conversations with God, I felt Him stirring something in me. I suddenly had a longing for more. I began to feel like my heart was actually capable of opening up to someone in a dating relationship. I still had doubts and fears that were paralyzing at times. But, nevertheless, those feelings of openness were present somewhere deep within. I even told some girlfriends and God Himself (very adamantly I might add), "If God has intentions for me to date or even love again, He is going to have to drop this guy in my lap, and say 'here you go, Missy.'" I didn't feel capable of seeking out a relationship on my own. God knew that and just as God does, He showed up big and literally gave me new eyes to see a man (a friend of 15 years) in a different way. He knew my heart would need someone that I already had a trusted relationship with to be brave enough to give it a try.
THEN CAME ANDY!
God had been working in his heart as well. I don't think either of us saw it coming or could've imagined our friendship going where it did. Our parallel paths intersected in a new and wonderful way. He was patient (oh, so patient), and kind, and allowed me to work through all the emotions that I needed to. He was tender with my uncertainties and took gentle care of my heart. He allowed me space when I needed it and pursued and challenged me when I needed that too. He prayed with me, listened, and even shed tears with me over Bunky (who was also his friend). He was intentional in his relationship with my boys...meeting each one of them where they were, without forcing himself on them. He laughed with me and just had fun. Oh, how I needed to just really laugh with someone like that again. He would often say, "I love that I get to have a front row seat to watch you coming alive again, to see your happiness shine through."He is the best friend, one of the most self-less people I know. He cares deeply for me and the boys and shows us that consistently. He is his own person and I love him for that...he doesn't try to be anything he is not, and doesn't feel intimidated by my grief over losing Bunky. He looks for the good in others and is positive. He is God's perfect provision for me.
I don't understand the "why's" of Bunky's death. I never will. I will always love him. Death doesn't take that away. What I think some people can't understand, and maybe I would have been one of those people, until it has become my reality...I am fully capable, and in some ways probably even more equipped to love again. Fully, wholeheartedly love again. One relationship doesn't negate the other. One isn't "more than." One isn't "2nd choice." One doesn't replace the other. God meant for me to fully love one man at one time and He also meant for me to fully love another man, at a different time in my life. It is a gift to be able to experience both.
I'm thankful and couldn't be happier to start the next chapters in this great, big, messy story of mine, with Andy. God really is so good!
