I can’t tell you how many times people closer to my age have reached out to me to gently ask, “How can I best help my friend who just lost a spouse suddenly?”
Too many to count.
When part of your story includes losing your husband suddenly and traumatically…out of nowhere, as a 40 year old with 3 boys, aged 10, 7, and 4, it is just something to expect.
People have often told me that they were hesitant to ask, but knew I would understand. A lot of people have told me they wondered things like:
Would it upset me?
Would it trigger emotions or things I didn’t want to think about?
Would it make me feel the loss all over again?
The answer is NO.
It has been almost 10 years since my husband went into sudden cardiac arrest in the bed next to me.
10 YEARS...
- Since I woke up in shock, not even really knowing what was happening.
- Since desperately trying to give CPR to my husband who was having a normal conversation with me just 5 hours before, when we went to bed.
- Since being told by the paramedics that IF they could get a heart rhythm, which hospital would I like him taken to?
- Since watching as a defibrillator was used and 6 epipens administered to try to save him.
- Since being at the ER and being told he was improving to hours later being told there was little hope for survival, short of a miracle.
- To then making calls to his parents (he was also an only child), family, friends, and sitting down with our 3 precious sons to tell them that their daddy was not going to survive, when he had just coached one of their baseball teams only 3 days before.
- To then making the most painfully crushing decision to honor his wishes, when it was clear that he had suffered too much brain damage to survive without a machine.
So, 10 years later, the answer is NO…it is not going to upset me, trigger me, or be “too much” for me to handle. Maybe a year after it would have felt that way, but not now. And, I'm more than happy to share my story and what was helpful for me, personally.
Time heals. It is something that people who had walked in these shoes said to me in those early days after losing my husband. I remember thinking, “that seems so simple for all the complex things I’m feeling right now…the shock, the numbness, the brokenness, the uncertainty, the deep grief over what just occurred and what I expected and hoped for in the future, the feeling of drowning in heartache.” But, here I am, almost 10 years later, and I can say that TIME DOES HEAL. It does not completely take all of those raw feelings away. But, it does lessen the intensity of it all.
With that being said, the least I could do is share my experience in hopes that even one person walking that road might benefit in some small way. I was blessed with an army of people who rushed in and cared for me and my family in the most deeply profound ways. I will forever be grateful for that. It didn’t take the pain away, but it certainly made me feel like I wasn’t going to be alone in the heaviness that I would carry.
I have written some of these things down in a journal over the years and have gone back to emails, remembered phone calls, and conversations I have had with the MANY people who have reached out to ask how they can best help someone going through this.
So, I decided to do a blog post that I could reference or that others could share, when this traumatic, life-altering event happens to someone you love. Hopefully, it will be a resource. It is not exhaustive (although it might seem by the length of this) and everyone is different, so maybe there are some things you can take and others you can leave. One day I do hope to write a book about all of this. But for now, here goes…
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First, Thank YOU for being that friend or family member who wants to know how to help in a situation that came out of nowhere and turned the whole world upside down in the most devastating way!
You are needed now.
You will be needed a month from now.
You will be needed a year, two years, 10 years from now.
Please don’t forget that.
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- Go-To person/ Spokesperson/ Main Communicator of Information
So important. Allow someone to step into this role for you (or possibly a couple of people who can share this responsibility). It should be someone who knows you well and isn’t afraid to piss people off on your behalf (and believe me, there will be lots of people with hurt feelings, misunderstanding, etc). Having just a few people to communicate with was very helpful, instead of my phone blowing up and feeling like I needed to respond to everyone.
I was completely overwhelmed and really in shock. I couldn’t think straight and felt like I was barely surviving. I had to be reminded to stop and eat. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know what time it was or what day it was. I had a friend who just stepped up and handled all communication on my behalf. A site was created (I don’t even remember if it was caringbridge, (but that is a good one) or Facebook or simply a list of emails of people who were reaching out or that wanted to be updated. She sent out:
- updates
- ways to help
- meal train sign ups
- Meal Train - you could have a completely different person do this part. MEALS were extremely helpful! We had a big cooler on the porch and people left the meal at a particular time frame. If I was up for it, I could go to the door. I figured I would be wanting to see people, more than I actually was. So, I was glad I had the freedom to just let people leave food without feeling like I needed to see/talk to everyone. VERY helpful….Gift cards to delivery service, local restaurants, and grocery store. Sometimes you get tired of the casseroles and it’s okay! :) One of the favorite meals we got was someone grilled burgers and made enough for us, added some french fries, and a dessert. They loved it!
- TIP for food: Try to put as much in disposable pans as possible. Send paper plates, cutlery, napkins. Easy clean up and storage for left overs.
- Have someone make a list for you to keep up with who brought what and when. Keep it in a handy place to add to when someone brings something, whether that is a meal or a bag of groceries.
- Other Helpful things (food related): One of my favorites: I had a couple of neighbors who would randomly drop off a couple of bags full of snacks from costco/grocery store, for the boys’ school lunches and after school snacks. They also brought things like Paper Towels and Toilet Paper. They would just drop it by the garage without a note, so that I wasn’t worried about a thank you note. I later found out who it was…but truly, this was VERY helpful. This same neighbor even brought snacks a couple of times and chicken quesadillas she made and cut into wedges for the boys right after school. She would drop it by right before they got off the bus and they had no idea that I didn’t make them myself. It felt good to pretend for a minute that I was capable of doing that for them! :)
- A Checking Account was set up where people made donations. I didn’t even know they were doing this until after the fact. This ended up being used to pay for services listed below. Someone else handled all of it, as far as paying for these things.
- House-cleaning
- someone to cut the grass
- child care
- Grief Counseling
- Offer to pick your friend up to get out of the house. Maybe even just going for a walk or getting a pedicure/manicure.
- Cards, Notes of encouragement- These always brightened my day.
- Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who just died. Share a favorite memory. It’s okay to talk about them and a lot of times people tend to avoid it because they think it’s painful. I promise, it’s more painful when everyone suddenly stops talking about that person and you think he is forgotten.
- Offer to help with the kids (if they have young kids)…in fact, I would even say you could insist on it. I always felt like I was burdening people, but sometimes I just needed to have some time alone. When someone took the kids to do something fun, it made me feel better knowing they were having a good time.
- If family isn’t around, offer to stay over, sleep on the couch, etc. especially once out of town family leaves in the beginning. Night time is the MOST lonely!!!
- Encourage Grief Counseling, Grief Share groups when they are ready
- Collect notes, favorite memories, photos from friends of the deceased spouse. Then put them in a book to give to your widowed friend and the children. This is especially sweet a month or two down the road, when the dusts settles a little, to remind them that their spouse is never forgotten. It is really special for years to come for the children to read about the impact their parent had on others too.
- Collect t-shirts or ties of the spouse to make into a blanket, teddy bear, etc. There are lots of places that do these. My closest girl friends asked me to give them a pile of special shirts for each of the boys and my own favorites too. I didn’t know what they were doing with them, but they had blankets made for each of us. So special and we use them to this day!!
- Little things were so helpful with the kids, whether it was stuff needed for their classes/school (I had a couple of friends whose kids were at my boys school, jump in and make sure that I knew about deadlines or things needed, etc….usually they just handled it for me). Registration for sports or upcoming things like camps…a friend would remind me or offer to fill out forms, pick up stuff they needed, etc. I had one friend just take Carson to try on his football stuff and she picked up what he needed so I didn’t have to go out to do that.
- Facing everyone can be lonely and difficult in the weeks after. You feel the eyes on you, pitying you and just feeling sad for you…I always appreciated someone offering to go watch my kids’ baseball games with me, sit at church with me, or go and sit with me at a school program. It is the loneliest feeling in the world to do that all alone right after losing your spouse. It can also be awkward for you and others that haven’t seen you…they don’t know what to say sometimes and I just wasn’t always up for it. I wanted to get in and get out. A friend by your side to be a “watch dog” and quickly get you in and out of places is nice!
- Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way….whatever that looks like IT IS OKAY, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Give yourself grace and don’t compare.
- Try to get sleep…whatever that takes! It makes a huge difference when you are in deep mourning. I didn’t sleep for several days and had to finally take something to completely knock me out. That is okay!
- Encourage your friend to talk to a doctor and accept medicine if it is needed. I tried to be so tough and not accept help or medicine. I finally had to acknowledge that I needed therapy and anti-depressant meds, as well as medicine to help me sleep. I eventually did EMDR therapy to help me process and work through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was truly life-changing for me and I highly recommend.
- It’s good to encourage the one grieving that it is okay to say “no” to anything they don’t want to do right now, and it is okay to say “yes” to offers of help. It is the best way they can love themselves through the grief.
- Physical activity is good on so many levels….going for hikes was extremely therapeutic for me.
- Praying friends who would come and sit with me and just pray and cry with me were the best.
- Know that people will say stupid things (see below for what NOT to say). They mean well, they just don’t know what to say. Death, especially for someone who hasn’t really experienced loss close to them, can tend to be something people struggle with. Be prepared for people to start crying to you, even if you are not. That is okay, but if you can’t deal with it, that is also okay. You can put up boundaries and explain that you appreciate their sympathy and tears, but it’s difficult for you to put any energy into consoling anyone right now. (This is a great time for your “watch dog” to step in on your behalf…that friend that doesn’t mind getting you out of a situation at the risk of someone being upset with them).
- “I’m so sorry”
- “I see how much pain you are in, and I can’t imagine, but I am here for you in any way that you need me”
- “I don’t know what words to say, because I know there is nothing that can take away your pain, but please know that you are loved/prayed for, etc”
- “I am going to be here. You will not have to walk alone”
- “I can’t imagine or understand what you are going through and how hard this must be, but I am heartbroken for you”
- “Name of spouse, had such an impact/was so adored/loved, etc, and I will never forget him. He will be missed greatly.”
- “I am here for you and commit to praying for you/your kids”
- “Name of spouse loved you so much and I know you felt the same. I am so sorry this has happened.” (if you have a specific story or something the spouse had shared with you about the living spouse that would bring joy/comfort…SHARE IT)
- “I am so sorry for what you are going through and want to talk with you about specific things I can do to help you when the time is right”
- “I know that nothing could possibly take away the pain you must be feeling right now and I’m not even sure how to help you, but I just want you to know that I want to do whatever I can.”
NOT OKAY TO SAY:
- “I know what you are going through and you will be okay” (unless you honestly do; and even still, your experience is not the same. (It somehow minimizes what the person is feeling to make comparisons)
- “Everything happens for a reason”
- “God must have needed your husband to do something greater”
- “He is in a better place”
- “You are still so young, you will find someone else”
- “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”
- “Heaven must have needed another angel”
- “What are you going to do now”
- “Time will heal your pain” or “Just give it time and you will move on” (Time DOES heal; yes, but unless you have walked in their shoes….they do not want to hear this. In fact, I wouldn’t even say this to someone right after they lost a spouse!
- "You will just have to be mom and dad now” (in fact, there could never be anything more false…I could never fill the role of their dad and I didn’t have to. I learned from my therapist that all this statement did was put more pressure on me to be something/someone that I wasn’t. I had enough pressure just to be the surviving parent who was suddenly thrown into a place of doing it on my own, while also grieving...I didn’t need the added pressure.)
- **Side note: please also tell people to NOT say to your sons “You will have to be the ‘man’ of the house now”…this is a burden that no young man should have to feel like he is to carry after losing his father. Will he have some additional responsibilities? Probably, as will any other kids. But it is a lot of pressure to say this to a young man who has lost his father. It can do some serious emotional damage. Trust me and just don't do it.
- Holidays are HARD…especially the first year, but really there will always be holidays that are difficult. Be aware. Offer support. Send a card on certain dates each year (mark it in your phone to remember). Nothing is more thoughtful than to receive something like that, even a text message, on a holiday, their birthday, day they died, to let you know they are thinking of you and they remembered. (I have a whole blog post on how to help specifically during the holidays, HERE)
- If you are a close friend/family member (after some time has passed), you might offer to help with things like going through their spouse's items, etc. This can be difficult and everyone moves at their own pace as far as when they are ready to do those things. There is no right timeline for cleaning out a spouses closet, office, whether or when to take off your wedding ring or wear it on a necklace, other hand, etc. You will know when it is right for you and what is right for you on all of those things…
Of course, these are my memories, feelings, and things that were helpful/not helpful for me. Everyone is different. I think the biggest challenge for me was accepting help. I was stubborn about it too, even in this devastating situation. I finally had a wise friend press me to let it go. I started to realize that when I refused to let others help, I was “stealing their joy.”
I will forever be grateful for so many who carried us through that time. More than anything, I am thankful that I have a personal relationship with Christ, even though there were times that I questioned His goodness and plan. I wrestled through those and continue to do that at times, even now. Here is what I do know for certain...He is big enough to handle it. He makes beauty from ashes. He has never left me.
My favorite books/devotionals during this time: (some of these may be really old now and I'm sure there are some better things out there):
Streams in the Desert- Cowman
How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies- Rando
Getting to the Other Side of Grief- Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse- Zonnebelt-Smeenge & De Vries
And Life Comes Back- A Wife's Story of Love, Loss, and Hope Reclaimed- Williford
Let's Pretend We're Normal- Adventures in Rediscovering How to Be a Family- Williford
The Invisible String (For the Boys)
Missy Cook Brookover
