"Hopeful New Year"

"Happy New Year"…it just rolls off the tongue. I guess I have never really thought about it much…it's just something you say this time of year. That is, until the last two Januarys, when it feels like the emptiest 3 words that can possibly be said.

I want to be happy. I really do. There are certainly moments that make me happy, although it seems more difficult than ever to really achieve such. Happiness is a feeling, based typically on circumstances. And while that is great, I want so much more. Because, quite frankly, my circumstances feel hard and are filled with the disappointment of plans and dreams that will never come true. Whether it's listening to Carson talk about how his dad won't be here to watch him graduate. Colby not sleeping through the night when he's at home vs. other people's houses, because "they have dads there to protect them." Or, Cooper asking who will take care of him and make him sandwiches, if I go to Heaven too. There are so many daily reminders of what is missing and what isn't right.

God does not promise us that we will be happy. In fact, he says quite the contrary. John 16:33 says,
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Joy…now that's what sustains and comes from a relationship with Jesus Christ. When that relationship is there…no matter how broken it may seem, HIS spirit fills you with JOY and peace that is unexplainable. The kind of stuff that makes people scratch their heads and wonder how. It is NOT based on circumstances, and actually defies and breaks all the "rules" of the circumstantial. Trusting His plan EVEN when it makes no sense or goes against everything you could have wished for. Out of that springs HOPE. Not just any hope, but the Bible says we will even be filled with HOPE that's overflowing…regardless of how crappy things are all around us, IF we will just trust Him.

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

So, for 2015, I say "Hopeful New Year" instead of "Happy," because I really want to fix my eyes on so much more than what the world uses to measure happiness with. I love my boys and as I tucked them in, we prayed about what 2015 would hold for our family. Carson said, "surely, we will have a better year than 2014, mom." I don't know, but I pray that whatever it brings…I will be overflowing with HOPE and filled with Joy and Peace that can only come from Christ. I certainly wouldn't mind a few more "happy" moments too! :)

Twas the Night Before Christmas

My heart is heavy tonight. Our first Christmas at home without Bunky here. It still does not feel real. I have tried desperately to focus on Christ and what His birth really means to ME. When I take my focus off of our situation and all that is so wrong about it, I can't help but rejoice at the miracle of Christmas.

So, even as I felt a depth of loneliness tonight in the midst of preparing for tomorrow, I was reminded that this is NOT my permanent situation. This is NOT my home. Here's my "mama's" take on an old classic Christmas story!

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house.
Only mama was stirring, and the quiet seemed loud.
Four stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
But the one that was missing, made the mantle seem bare.

Three boys were nestled, all snug in their beds,
While memories of the past, consumed mama’s head. 
Missing part of our family, and thinking of his laugh,
Made it hard for mama to sleep, or even to nap.

When one minute he was there and the next he was not,
This was never the plan, mama constantly thought.

The excitement of Christmas, so numbed with the pain,
of losing my love, whom I still call his name.
When what to my wondering mind would remain
The peace, hope, and love for which Jesus came. 

He spoke not a word, but went straight to His work,
Being born in a manger, without any perks.
This day will feel different, of that there’s no doubt,
But, this mama will remember and with JOY will shout...

Thank you Jesus, for holding my broken heart,
And sending your son to fulfill prophecy’s part.
For one day, this mama will see him again,
And what feels lonely now, YOU will gently tend.

How to Support Someone Who is Grieving Over the Holidays

It has been a while since I have been here. I haven't known what to say or how to say it. Even when I do…well, I haven't wanted to. Truth is I feel shattered into pieces. On the outside, everything looks okay to most people. On the inside, it is a big ole mess.

In all of it, I have realized more and more my desperate need for God. For His promises to be what I have grown up believing to be true. The firm foundation is there. My roots are grounded deep in the soil of the belief I have in a Sovereign God. I think this is the ONLY thing that surrounds the deepest parts of my soul with peace unexplainable, on days when all I really want to do is crawl back in bed.

Yet, even in my rooted faith, I feel shaken to the core. I question. I argue. I plead. I cry out in anger. And while I know it is not my place to question "why," I still do.  I realize there is a constant struggle internally. The struggle between how I feel and what I want to feel. The struggle between acknowledging my grief and living full of hope. The struggle between allowing myself to be angry at the circumstances, yet embrace all that I have to be thankful for. It is a constant internal teeter totter.

With the holidays upon us, I simply feel vulnerable. I want to close my eyes and just wake up on the other side of Christmas. It is exhausting emotionally to harbor the sadness and loneliness that tends to weigh especially heavy this time of year, while attempting to move forward and embrace the joy the season brings.

I think at this point, most people want to hear how things are looking up. After a while, it's easy to tire of hearing about how difficult this all still feels. This is simply my reality and I will always be honest. Holidays stink! So, if you would like to know the truth…well, I guarantee that most people you talk to who have experienced the death of someone they love dearly, will tell you that the holidays are hard. Just think about it…our greatest holiday memories are captured with our family, with our husbands and wives, with our children, grandparents and parents. When suddenly one of those people are no longer there, it tears all the memories you've known and loved, completely apart. Nothing feels quite right without them there. Nothing. So, here's what I would encourage you to do this season, (from the perspective of someone who is grieving):

How to Support Someone Who is Grieving over the Holidays:

1. Be aware…look for those around you who may be missing someone this year, someone who has always been a big part of their normal traditions and activities.

2. Invite them to join your family, even if it's the day before or after, and start a "new" tradition of loving on someone who is grieving. It could be as simple as having a Thanksgiving dessert together or "day after Christmas" movie and popcorn date. Invite the kids over to bake cookies or play board games, so the parent that is alone could have a mental "break" from being "on" with the kids or could go Christmas shopping without having to pay a sitter. For parents who have lost a child, they may just need some time together alone.

3. Make a point to check in…whether it's a simple email, text, phone call, or card in the mail to say "I'm thinking about you this holiday season."

4. Allow them to talk about their loved one and don't feel afraid to share your stories and memories if you have them. It really is wonderful to say and hear their name. It's okay and good to acknowledge that you can imagine the loved one's presence is missed. It brings validation that is important for those who are grieving that loss. 

5. Please don't complain about or share your family drama. Someone who is grieving a loss during the holidays has no mental energy or tolerance for hearing this when they would give anything for one more holiday with the one they lost. Be sensitive to this. 

6. Also, be understanding if they do NOT want to get together or engage in conversations, it just might not be the right time. Just knowing that you took the time to pursue them and were thinking about them means more than you could imagine, even if they choose to not receive in the moment. Remember it is not about YOU and what YOU receive from it, but about your thoughtfulness toward them…however they choose to receive that. 

7. Offer to help decorate for the holidays. It can be really painful pulling out all of the decorations and traditions that were always a part of things for your family. The absence of one who was always involved with all of it can feel extremely intense and the part they played in getting ready for the holidays is very real. 

8. Pray for the family that is experiencing the loss. Whether it's taking a minute to put your arm around them and pray in person, or committing to pray for them with your own family during the holidays. 

I have been extremely blessed to have people in my life who have done these kind of things for us, so  this is just from my own experience. My hope is that someone else could benefit from these ideas. I am truly thankful for so many who continue to reach out in even the smallest ways, and it always makes us feel special and loved. While, it doesn't take the sting away, it certainly brings comfort to know someone thought about US in the midst of all they have going on in their world.

I'm trying desperately to choose thankfulness this holiday season. I am focusing on the HOPE I have in Christ, even when I am torn up on the inside. Life is a gift. One that is fragile and sacred and precious. One that should be cherished. Thankful for those who continue to walk with us through prayer and tangible acts of thoughtfulness toward us.

Pumpkin Tradition

Our last family photo at the patch (2012)

The 5th Annual Cooper Trooper Pumpkin Patch is underway. It comes with a rush of emotion. I still can't believe Bunky is not here for this. I couldn't be more proud of how the foundation has grown. I love hearing from people who come to visit the pumpkin patch and say, "this has now become our family's tradition"... to buy pumpkins for a purpose. Rod Cook would be beaming!

Cooper at the 1st pumpkin patch 2010

Carson and Colby working at the patch (2010)

It has been our own family's "tradition" since Cooper was only 1 year old. The pumpkin patch consumes our October. With Bunky gone, there is such a gaping whole. His presence is there though. I still see him in everything we do that involves the pumpkin patch. He wouldn't believe all the people who come from near and far to unload 10,000 pumpkins on a Saturday morning because they believe in what the foundation is doing! Many also come to honor him. My boys notice and they are so proud that their dad had that kind of impact on people.

Cooper with his daddy checking out the pumpkins (2011)

Before talking to the volunteers about unloading. These guys had some fun!

There are no adequate words to fully encompass the gratitude I have for those who make it all happen. It takes months of planning and preparation. It then takes countless hours over a month-long period to keep all the parts moving. It takes over 600 volunteers just to keep it operational. It is both exhausting and rewarding all at once. I am grateful for those who have plunged in and taken great pride in it's success. For those who have believed in the vision and mission of really making a difference in the lives of families living in the storm of childhood cancer. I am convinced that it is only because of these hearts full of compassion for a greater purpose, that the pumpkin patch continues to be successful. I remain humbled.

2011

Dr. Netterville, who did two major surgeries to resect Cooper's tumor, came to the patch (2012)

2012

And so, my heart is bursting with thankfulness. I pray it's the biggest year yet! I hope more people are made aware of childhood cancer and the lack of funding it receives. I am thrilled to think of every dollar made that will go to bring smiles to the sibling heroes who get lost in the shuffle. I am honored to continue what we began over 5 years ago, even though Bunky is not here to do it with me. So, while it is bittersweet to do this for the second year without him, I will do it. I will do it, because that is exactly what he would want us to do!

2014

Where I am Right Now

Grieving for one you love is truly so unpredictable. And, if you know me…well, I don't like unpredictability. I guess no one really likes it. I think for most of us in this world, we like some sense of control. We have dreams of what our lives will look like. We have expectations. We want to have what we want and how we want it. Sometimes the story God writes for us is very different.

I think I have always expected that there might be bumps in the road. I have braced myself and been on guard for life's curve balls. I think losing your mom at the ripe ole age of 8 will do that to you. It forever skews your view of this world…it certainly did for me. Unfortunately, that is now the reality of my own children. On the flip side, it also forces one to live life more fully and take nothing for granted. It encourages a person to make meaning out of things that might otherwise be meaningless and to just let some things go. I can only pray that it draws my boys into a relationship with Christ at the deepest level, to fill the needs that only He can.

As much as I thought I grasped what difficulty in this life looked like, I realize I had absolutely no idea. Yes, I lost my mom to cancer. Yes, I lost a child to miscarriage. Yes, I had a child diagnosed with cancer. Yes, my husband lost his job. Yes, we have been in serious debt. These are all horrific things to endure. There are many who have endured much more difficulty in life than I have. It wasn't until I lost my husband, that I truly got a taste of such deep despair. I wanted to scream at God, "Isn't that enough pain?" And at the same time, I knew my ONLY hope was and is anchored in Him. My whole identity and everything that was feeling secure and settled in my life, was ripped away in an instant. I am not even sure what to do with that. I am not sure who I am anymore. All of the other "difficulty" was comforted by my husband's presence and what we were together. How we went through the hard together. This great pain and loss caused an awakening of my complete dependence on my Heavenly Father.

I want to be really honest here. I wish I could say that I am moving forward in the process. I wish I could say we are settling in to what is our new normal without Rod. But, I would be lying. This "2nd year" has only brought with it a clearer view of what is gone. The reality is heavy. The fog has lifted. As a new widow friend I just met stated so perfectly the other day, "the anesthesia has worn off, and the pain is intensifying, as the 2nd year begins."

I am still dialoging with God about my anger. He is big enough to take it…even if I need to throw in a few cuss words! As we sang in church this morning, "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me…" He hasn't given up on me. He is waiting in the shadow of my bitterness and anger to rush in and wrap me up in His arms, at the very moment when my ranting turns to sobbing. He gently whispers, "you are never alone," when I am feeling loneliness so deep that feels like it's burning a hole through my soul. He never fails. He never leaves. His love never runs out on me.

So, when you see us, we may have a smile on our face. I will be overwhelmed and busy with pumpkin patch for the next month. But you can know…I need prayer. I am desperate for it. I still appreciate a warm hug or a text to say you are thinking about me. The little things still mean a lot, because my heart is still broken. God is mending it, but the pieces will never fit the same again. I will learn to live with it better or differently, but I will never "move on". I will never "get over" losing the love of my life. So, will you continue to pray as God brings us to your mind?

Please do one thing for me if you happen to take the time to read this. Tell your spouse that you love him or her and then do something to back that up through your actions. Forgive them for whatever you might be holding on to. Hug them more. Kiss them more. Be grateful for who they are, even in their imperfections. Do the same with your kids. Tomorrow may not come. Don't have any regrets. I am thankful that I didn't.

God's love never runs out.

Camping

The boys and I went camping for Labor Day weekend this year. We have a group of close friends who go a couple times a year and are pretty much "camping experts." They invite us to go every time and have for years now.

Rod's answer EVERY time was "No thank you." He said that he had done his camping days out in Texas, under the stars, and he had no desire to do it anymore. Until, a couple of years ago. He decided we would go, as he wanted the boys to have this experience. Have I mentioned we have some pretty persistent friends? So, off we went, and let's just say that about everything that could go wrong, did! His words as we were driving away from the campground…"Never again."

So, fast forward to Labor Day weekend 2014. As always, we were asked to go. With some hesitation, I agreed to go. After all, the boys wanted to do it. Well, for the most part. Carson, who is the personality clone of his father, wasn't too thrilled, but he agreed nonetheless.

The place we stayed was beautiful with gorgeous hikes and a magnificent waterfall. The friends that went with us are really like family and so enjoyable. Being in the outdoors and unplugged is just good for the soul. Campfires and s'mores do something great for my mood. Having so many expert campers take care of the details and cook all the food makes it unbelievably easy. Watching your kids run free without a care in the world and play flashlight tag for hours vs. looking at an iPod is refreshing. Still, two nights has been declared the Cook's maximum camping threshold. 

Pouring rain, lightning, and thunder all night long. Watching drops of water begin to form inside the tent and proceed to run down the sides to make everything damp. A mattress that deflated every 1.5 to 2 hours with a slow leak to lower a 41 year old woman's back to the rocky terrain beneath. Bug bites and an 11 year old with a cast on his arm. These are what drove the Cook's to load up and drive right on out of that beautiful park one day earlier than anticipated. Not to mention, all of the emotionally hard parts for me, in not having my husband there with me…but that's another story for another time.

Memories were made and it's possible we will go back again (most likely in a rented pop-up camper). Honestly, though, we were all quite happy to be in our beds with the A/C pumping once we got home.

 

Why God is Not My BFF

I love the new personalized coke cans! This one caught my attention at the grocery store today, after I had written this post last night. Crazy how those things happen in perfect timing. God continues to nudge, when I feel hesitant to put things out there I guess. The lady in front of me thought I was a little crazy for wanting to take a picture of the carton of Diet Coke with her groceries.

I have to say that growing up, I was the typical girl who wanted to "claim" others as my "BFF," and in turn, wanted to be the recipient of that title. Every girl needs someone to call her "Best Friend Forever" right? That designation holds some kind of merit that makes you feel like you belong. Like you are cared about. Like you have that special friend who will always have your back. Like you are not alone. What is interesting is that best friends do fail you and you will fail them. In fact, "forever" is a long time and it is rare to even have one "BFF" for many, many years.

From a young age, that position seemed so important. One year I might have several "BFF's" and the very next, it would all be different, depending on who was in my life at that time. I will say that I have been blessed with some amazing friendships over the years and have tried to be a good friend in return. I think girls especially, go through elementary, middle school, and high school years placing such a high value on having at least one BFF in their life at all times.

After I got married, Bunky became that "Best friend" that trumped any friendship I had ever known. He was my first priority and our commitment to each other was at the forefront. More important than any other friendship I had. That is how God intended it and my friendship with my husband was deeper and more meaningful than any friendship I had ever known.

At the same time, I believe we all still need our girlfriends, even after we get married. Girlfriends just suddenly hold a different place in our lives, or at least I think they should. They are a lifeline. Girlfriends are a vital part of being the women God called us to be. Girlfriends know like no one else what it is like to be the "rock star" wife, even when we don't feel like it. Our mommy girlfriends can relate to the sheer exhaustion that comes from being up all night with a baby or sick child. Girlfriends understand the joys and emotions, the highest of highs, along with the heartbreak, isolation, fears, insecurities and low points that creep in to our minds as women. There are some components of who we are as women, that husbands and men in general, don't get and never will. It's okay. That is how God wired and designed them. It is also why God gave us girlfriends in our lives.

As the last 13 months have gone by, I have realized even more how much I treasure those girlfriends that God has allowed my path to cross with. Whether a friend from early in life or one who I may have just met…I have been encouraged and loved by many, many friends (not just girlfriends, but men and women alike, and some who were my husband's friends that I didn't really know).

I have appreciated the sorority sister I haven't seen in years, reaching out. I have been touched by the card from a friend from elementary school. I have felt moved by those friends, who continue to do special things for me and my boys. I have been blessed with amazing women who do real life with me and have for years. I cherish the friends who don't forget that the world has moved on, but are keenly aware my heart is still trying to navigate how to do this world without my BFF. Even with some of these tender places being cared for through the gifts of these friendships, there remains a great empty spot without my husband and his daily friendship.

To be quite honest, I have been wrestling with God. Struggling to believe His plan is perfect. Struggling to have faith in His provisions for me. I have been in a constant dialog with Him about how He could allow our world to be shaken like this. I know He is big enough to handle all I throw at Him, and I know that this is part of how I need to process the tragic loss that has happened. I sometimes plead with Him to show me why He took my best friend away. Throughout those times, if I am quiet and still long enough to listen, I can almost hear Him whispering…"I HAVE NOT LEFT YOU, Missy. I will be all that you need, if you will just let me." To that I find myself responding…

BUT YOU ARE NOT MY BFF, GOD!

And you know what I have realized more and more? He is NOT. He is not my BFF. Do you know why? Because "Best" is relative. "Best" is fallible. "Best" may still not be good enough. In this fallen world we live in, "Best" just doesn't cut it every time.

Christ is more than a "BFF"…He is Truth. Everything about Him is true. Everything He says is true. Even when I cannot see it, feel it, think it, smell it, hear it, or touch it. He is TRUE to His promises…the same ones I am questioning and struggling with.

The definition of true is:  having all the expected or necessary qualities of a specified type of person or thing. 

God IS all that He says He is. That is truth. And that is enough. So, God is not my "BFF", but He is my "TFF"- a True Friend Forever. I will take it. And I know in time, it WILL feel like enough, because  while He won't change, my heart will.