Happy 10th Birthday Colbster

Today was Colby's 10th birthday. Double Digits! I remember thinking that was such a big deal when I was a kid. It turned out to be a Wednesday at home, because of the "snow day." Of course, while a lot of kids would have probably liked that, I think Colby was a little disappointed to not be at school. He likes the recognition that accompanies a birthday celebrated at school. Overall, though, I think he had a good day. I did my best to make it special and he was his typical, grateful self for that.

He told me a few nights ago, through big tears and little arms that wouldn't let go of me..."If I could just have one thing for my birthday, it would be for my dad to give me a hug." Oh, if only I could make that happen, somehow, you better believe me...I would! He has been better able to verbalize his feelings about his dad over the last several months. It's heartbreaking, yet there is a relief I feel with it, at the same time. He is my "stuffer" and so any time he can express his emotion, it is a big deal and a really good thing.

Just feeling thankful tonight, for my middle boy, who is truly a joy! I guess I am feeling a little sad too, because celebrating birthdays just feels different. I don't really know how to explain it, but it just does. It's like showing up for something that is important, monumental, and really special...only to realize someone you really thought would be there, isn't. Someone who should be there, is not.  I sensed it today with Colby and I do think he will probably have an especially hard time with it since he and his dad had birthdays 3 days apart and always celebrated together. I pray he felt lots of love and the celebration of his day was enough to overshadow whatever felt lost.

Happy Birthday Colby Watson Cook!

I love you MORE,

Mom

Christmas 2015

It's almost like I have been holding my breath for weeks now, in anticipation of Christmas. The holidays inevitably stir up emotions surrounding family. Whether it's relational conflict, joy over reuniting with those you love, traditions, expectations, or reminiscing of childhood memories. Holidays are a heavy "family trigger"...for better or worse.

When someone who has been an integral part of your world is gone (whether through death or disconnect), holidays somehow shine a spotlight on that loss. I have felt that loss over the years, whether it was grandparents, my aunt, a friend, or my mom. Now, that loss includes my spouse and father of my children. I never like to compare grief or loss, because every situation is so unique...but I know for me, as one who has experienced some pretty significant loss, Christmas without my spouse has, by far, been the most difficult.

So, today was hard. I won't sugar-coat it. But, it also held some true glimmers of joy. I found myself able to smile a little more, cry a little less, and just be in the moment with my boys. I am thankful for that gift. I know part of it is time, which heals. I also know that it is because I have an army of people praying, reaching out, and simply caring for us. My phone blew up with texts and I don't know if I even responded to them all...but people were thinking of us and praying...and I FELT IT!

My neighbor bought gifts from each of my boys and had them come over to wrap them and put them under the tree for me. My dearest ladies group that has been together for years got together and gave a bag full of gift cards, lotion, candles, candy, socks, and more to my oldest to put in a stocking for me. I texted with a couple of fellow sisters who were spending this day, feeling the weight of their loss, as well. There is something in knowing you are not the only one on this journey and being able to connect with those people during hard times. All of these things were continuing to remind me...I am one blessed girl.

Warning...here is my "practical application" part if you know a friend walking these shoes:

I can just say that if you know someone who is parenting children after losing a spouse, one of the most thoughtful things you can do for them is help their children get them a small gift or just do a little something for them yourself. I'm not really a "gifts" person. I would take a hand-written note or card that someone took the time to think about any day....but, at Christmas, when you have done all the thinking, planning, wrapping and giving of gifts for your kids and everyone else, it is truly comforting to know someone thought to do something (even just small) for you. Without your spouse, younger children are not likely to even think about it, and not having a single gift or something in the stocking (that you didn't purchase for yourself), is just another reminder of the loss that is so real, as your spouse is the one that would have made that happen for you.

Christmas Eve Service

We enjoyed having about 50 neighbors over for a Birthday Party for Jesus (right in the middle of tornado warnings, I might add). We worshipped at our Christmas Eve service at church. Then, we were able to spend Christmas Eve with dear friends, enjoying a wonderful dinner and lots of laughs. The boys had a sleepover in my room and we stayed in pjs all day today! The rainy day was actually perfect and I was glad to not feel guilty over staying inside. The boys' Papa got to come over for a little while and visit and our neighbors came over tonight to see the boys gifts and have a glass of wine. So, even though I was ever so aware of who was not with us, I clung to the beauty in the moments happening around me. I also clung to the PEACE that permeated my heart throughout the day, and I really do treasure that it overshadowed the sadness and loneliness this year.

Birthday Party for Jesus

Boys with their Papa

On a side note...

This was a big year for us. I took the plunge after 2 years of constant begging, and decided to get the boys a puppy. We pick him up next week and their reaction was so priceless. They were really in shock and it was SO much fun. It was truly the highlight of my day. Bama, the Cockapoo (Cocker spaniel/ poodle mix) will be loved, and probably therapeutic in some ways!

And, yes...I know I am crazy...but is he not the CUTEST?!

Merry Christmas!

Our Thanksgiving 2015

Thankful for these guys right here! Even if Colby and Cooper don't look too happy to be in the picture

This year we went to Arkansas for Thanksgiving. I had a new baby niece to see and I felt like it would just be good to get away this year. Whenever we go see parents, grandparents, brothers and sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews, it lifts our spirits. It is always busy and non-stop with activity, so it's also a good distraction from the fact that we are missing a part of our family. 

The sunset was truly just gorgeous as we crossed the Mississippi river on our way into Arkansas

We went to Playtime Pizza, which is a lot of fun for everyone...go carts, laser tag, bumper cars, games, bowling, and a huge food buffet, that is all you can eat (I know...that is just what we needed right before a Thanksgiving feast)!

I think Go-carts are our favorite. I don't know what comes over me, but I get super competitive driving those and don't mind knocking someone off course! I know...it's probably something I need therapy for. Colby thinks it's a blast riding with his crazy momma, even though I'm not the best example of driving!

The boys had a sleepover at their Aunt Heather's and at Uncle Craig's house. When they go to Aunt Heather's they stay up LATE watching movies and love playing with Paxton. They also usually get Shipley Donuts for breakfast, which are amazing. Craig absolutely loves his "guy" time with them, playing video games on all the tv's he sets up for them, until early morning hours! Needless to say, they are exhausted after all the late night shenanigans with their cousins and aunt and uncle.

I need to make a note to self to NOT pack many clothes for them. I think they stayed in the same clothes for 2 1/2 days...somehow the pjs and change of clothes I send with them, just stay in the bag. I guess they are having too much fun to change!

I got some good snuggle time in with Lily Kate, my new niece. She looks just like her daddy and is so sweet. She even went black Friday shopping like a champ with everyone!

Me and my sister, Lauren, and niece Lily Kate

We didn't get all the cousins together for a picture at the same time, but we did manage to get a picture of ALL 5 of us siblings. That doesn't happen too often.

Love these sweet nieces, that now live in Arkansas!

The sibs....Craig, Lauren, Heather, me, and Jeff

Ethan, Paxton, Carson, Lily Kate, Colby, and Cooper

Cousins and 2nd Cousins
Connor, Cooper, Cayley, Emma, Anthony, Colby, Paxton, Kiley, Carson, Alea, Caitlin, and Paisley

Thankful for family!

Weeds

I don't know if it's possible to be in a really hard place, while also in a good place?

I haven't written in a while for this reason. I am not quite sure what to say, how to say it, or even if I really want to. In the midst of feeling pressed from all sides, I have moments of so much hope, joy, and a longing to move forward, taking steps of faith. To the next chapter in the story.

It's almost as if I'm like a weed that gets pulled, yet continues to somehow find it's roots planted deep beneath the surface once again. Holding on hard and not willing to be pulled loose. At least not completely loose. I imagine Christ is the gardner. Lovingly tending my soil, grasping at the roots to pull me free. Some days it takes more force than others to pull the roots above the surface. Some days there's a piece of my root that just refuses to break free. And some days there is a piece of the root that completely breaks off under the pressure and a piece of me is left deep beneath the ground...only to rear it's head again. I'm pretty certain that I am pesky, persistent, strong, and stubborn...just like a weed and it's extensive root system.

All I can say is that I am in a rough spot of knowing there are parts of me (of who I once was) that are in conflict with who I need to be now. Likewise, there are parts of who I once was that will forever be a part of who I am now and who I will be in the future. Even some of the deepest pain has yielded a beautiful piece of my story that I don't ever want to forget. A part I feel certain God intends for me to carry forward. There is just a tension between once being a wife and now being a widow, that I still struggle to reconcile. 

I am lonely in a way that words cannot describe. I find myself still longing to talk and share things with Bunky...only to realize, like a hard slap in the face...he is NOT here! I am weary. Weary with life. Weary with parenting. Worn down, but not always able to articulate how or why. I miss my other half. After the shock wore off (months after his death), I realized the finality of this all. Somehow though, it is only lately that the true concreteness of an end point of what has happened and what will NOT ever be, is more real than ever. It carries a sharp and sometimes very unexpected pain with it.

Nighttime is hard with the boys. They miss their dad. Pictures are drawn. Tears fall. Fears of me dying are real to them and are brought up often. We pray. We talk honestly. I hug them, but never assure them of the future. Because their harsh reality at a young age, reminds us that there is no assurance of anything. Anything, except our HOPE in Christ and Eternity, because of the sacrifice He made for us. The picture below was taken just before I left to go away for a few days on a girl's beach trip. Cooper told me all week that he thought I would have a heart attack and die before I got back from Florida. He cried about it every night for a week before I left. This is the stuff that tears my mama's heart out! It was really hard to leave them, but I know it is healthy and good for them and for me when I take care of myself.

I'm just struggling to navigate through my journey with grief right now. Just when I felt JOY on the horizon, memories that caused PTSD after Bunky's death, have rushed in to try and paralyze me. My sleep is being impacted again. My memory and ability to focus is fuzzy at best. I am still functional. I just want to be MORE than functional. I want to truly taste what God is calling me to. I want that new flower, so to speak, to grow without being hindered by the weeds.

I have no doubt the pumpkin patch and holidays stir a lot of this up. I just pray that peace transcends fear. I pray that whatever pieces of me that need to stay deeply rooted in the ground will stay and the rest of me can yield to the gentle pulling and pruning to produce something beautiful. Something that is part of God's greater plan for my life. I pray for clear direction and that I will have faith to take those steps God guides me to in the coming chapters of my story.  I know He is working on me and in me and that is good. Really good! Even in the midst of the hard.

I'm thankful for those who haven't forgotten and take the time to let us know they remember. I'm humbled by those who continue to walk with us and pray for us. I recognize that almost 2 1/2 years has passed since Bunky's death, and most probably assume we have moved on. In ways we have moved forward, as we should. In so many other ways, we are still trying to figure out how to do that. So, if you are reading this...thank you. And if God lays our family on your heart, we would be grateful for your continued prayers, especially during the holidays.

The Missing Piece of Pumpkin Patch

It's Pumpkin patch time again. That statement is wrapped in so many different emotions for me that it almost makes my head spin to think about it. Excitement, anticipation, satisfaction, pride, honor, exhaustion, joy, frustration, gratefulness, encouragement, accomplishment, and even sadness. A single event stirs up so much, that it is hard to capture the magnitude of what the pumpkin patch represents.

1st Unloading Day at the Patch 2010

1st Unloading Day of 2015

I think for me, there will always be a shadow equated with what the Cooper Trooper pumpkin patch is. A shadow that looms heavy and seems to show itself around every corner and turn. I'm really aware of what it triggers in me, but somehow I manage to feel surprised by a darkness that is cast by it's shadow each year. While there are so many positive and happy emotions surrounding it, there is an ever present heaviness that I can't shake. I wonder why it feels so hard, yet completely understand it all the same.

The Pumpkin Patch is such a part of the fabric of who we are. It is a foundational piece of the story our family represents. It acknowledges where we have been and where we are going. It is seeing a vision that was once just that... a vision, now fully in existence. It continues moving forward, gaining momentum with each family touched. For those who have been in the thick of it with us from day 1, it is also felt. There is a gaping, missing, piece to the puzzle. Without Rod Cook, it feels incomplete in so many ways. It's something sacred, yet mostly unspoken. Probably because it is hard for those of us who feel it, to acknowledge it fully, for fear that the raw emotion will take over.

So, I try to remind myself that I shouldn't feel surprised at how "off" I feel right now. I conjure up empathy for my boys, when I have nothing left inside, because I know they are feeling "off" too...even if they don't fully understand why. I am thankful for those in my life who push me to give in to things I don't want to acknowledge that I might need...because reality is...I probably do need it.

I just want him here to see how amazing it is. I want him here to take a family picture in the pumpkins. I want to see him in his element, telling people about why they need to support Cooper Trooper. I want to hear him motivating the hundreds of people on unloading day. I wouldn't even mind hearing him complain about how he needed to wrap up, so he didn't miss an Alabama football game. I just want him here. And he is not. And it sucks!

When Christians Go Through Really Hard Stuff

This started as a note to a friend that was going through a really hard time, but I decided to post it on my blog as a reminder. Sometimes I forget for myself, what is so easy for me to remind someone else of.

When Christians go through the REALLY HARD STUFF


Sometimes God allows YOU to go through the really hard stuff...
Not because He “knows you can handle it”
Not because “it’s His will”
Not because “you must be really special to carry your load” 

But because you are so loved by Him that He desires for you to come to a place of complete dependence and utter helplessness to experience HIM in a way that only you can in that dark situation. (If He allowed it because you could "handle it" then there would be NO need for Him. So when people say, "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle", it seriously makes me want to slap them. Please don't say that to me.)

Once you are there and know Him in this intimate way, you will look back and consider it JOY (James 1:2) and you will forever remember the personal way His tender grace held you in some of your darkest moments ...

Why?

PAIN is a necessary component of HOPE, because in my pain, my HOPE is REAL!
(Romans 5:1-5)

Does this mean you won’t give up, look away, get depressed, feel lonely, become hard, turn away, get frustrated, scream, yell, cry, become full of fear, lose it, doubt, feel like there is nothing but the pain and difficulty that lies in front of you with no end in sight?

NO....These things are sure to happen. EVEN to the one who walks closely with God. Even to the one who can so-called "handle it"...(did I mention this drives me crazy?)

The beauty lies in LOVE, COMFORT, HOPE, PROTECTION, PEACE and THE GENTLY CARING WAY that HE holds our broken hearts...when we finally seek HIM with all that we have, throw it down at HIS feet and surrender to the UNFATHOMABLE LOVE He has to pour out on us. And it's not just hearing about those things happening to this person or that. It is your own personal account. You and God. One on One. You needing him more than you ever have before, and Him saying, "I have never left you and let me show you how I care for you in your deepest pain."

AND....I don’t think doing that is a one-time practice. It is a deliberate choice we have to make over and over again in our circumstances.

I love Jeremiah 29: 11- such a popular verse about God’s purpose and plan

BUT, when you keep reading in verses 12 and 13....

“THEN, you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 

It doesn’t say, you will seek me and “I will take away all the pain, yuck, hard,"

It does say He will hear you.

And, we can know that we are HIS and belong to Him who called us out of darkness (I Peter 2:8) and His promise is to help us in our weakness, even when we are so messed up we don’t know how to even pray! (Romans 8:26:27) And, HIS peace will consume our hearts and permeate every fiber of our being, so that we are no longer troubled or afraid (John 14:27, Phillipians 4:7).  

I love you my beautiful, amazing, starbucks-loving, slow-eating, friend, and one of the BEST mommas I know! You know who you are! :)

Yet I Will

I have been struggling with self-pity. Seems like whether it's a little thing or a big thing, especially related to parenting, I have just simply felt sorry for myself. It's not something I am proud of, nor is it something that most people see on the surface. It is more of a heart issue. A struggle within. A dialogue I have with God, where I just want to say, "I can't do this anymore" or "this isn't fair....why does it have to be this way?"

Yes! Parenting alone is one of the hardest responsibilities, especially when the other parent is gone. There is no sounding board, no reprieve, no one else who shares the same amount of heartbreak, joy, and concern for your child...making it one of the loneliest places I have ever experienced. It is okay for me to feel the weight of that. Just not okay for me to waller in self-pity over it.

It bothers me because by nature, I can't stand when people whine, complain, and feel sorry for themselves. I want to yell into a megaphone...."SNAP OUT OF IT....YOU ARE BEYOND BLESSED...just ask the child in Africa who is starving, or the homeless man who doesn't know where he will lay his head next, or the mother who lost her child to cancer and her husband to divorce in the same year, or, or, or......" But somehow, lately, I have felt like I have "earned" the right to be that way. And I don't like seeing it in myself.

So, I come before God, again, just asking Him to change my heart. And, this is what I felt like God was telling me the other day. I had absolutely no intention of "blogging" about it, but for the last 3 days, I have repeatedly felt nudged to share, so I will. When I'm waking up out of a dead sleep and He's putting this on my mind to share, I figure I better do it, right? If for no other reason, I want my boys to know my heart and my struggles one day, and hopefully see that I was choosing to follow God's direction.

It started when I was reading a devotion the other day about the scripture in Habakkuk 3:17-18.

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET I WILL rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. 

This was a pretty disastrous and devastating event in these times. Habakkuk the prophet had been dialoguing with God and asking a lot of hard questions about the "WHY's" of what was going on around them in those times (the imminent fall of Judah, evil and sinfulness going on and God's justice).

What really hit me was that in spite of it all. In spite of the extreme conditions and dark circumstances of what was occurring and what was to occur, Habakkuk chose to rejoice in cheerful expectation of who God is and His provision, even when he couldn't see it actively taking place around him.

YET I WILL....those 3 words moved me to a different place. They challenged me to say "YET" in the midst of where I am. What does YET mean....it means "EVEN SO and EVEN THOUGH."

I then started making a list of my "YET's" in my journal. Here are a few:

In MY time of great distress (Bunky is gone), YET I WILL...
Yet I will choose joy and thankfulness.
Yet I will remember to fix my eyes on the things unseen.
Yet I will let God write His story through me.
Yet I will let myself laugh more.
Yet I will give myself more grace.
Yet I will let others help me and will ask for it when I need to.
Yet I will be the mom my boys need.
Yet I will put one foot in front of the other.

For me, part of having HOPE is going beyond my momentary mess and finding Joy in the midst of it. It is declaring my "YET's." It is hard for me to stay in a place of self-pity when I am reminding myself,

"Yet I will..."

We all have our messes and our hard stuff. Maybe it's as simple as running out of gas, or it could be a relationship that is broken, taking your first child to college, caring for a sick parent, losing a job, struggling to pay the bills, a tough parenting issue, a marriage that no longer has love, a diagnosis, or you can fill in the blank on any given day. It doesn't really matter if your hard and my hard are different. It's not a comparison of who has it harder in life...that is where self-pity rears it's ugly head. When you and I start looking around and comparing life's hard, we lose sight of focusing on our own joy our own "YET's" in the midst of the story God has for us. This is not and should not be relative to anyone else's circumstances (Boy do I have to remind myself of that). It is a direct response to God from your own individual heart....not comparative to anyone else.

I would challenge you to write down your hard, your difficult, your messy circumstance and then in all caps....write, "YET I WILL" followed by your intentions to choose joyfulness in that situation. It has really been helping me.