So, I really wish...like REALLY wish, that I could say that today was something sweet and special for our family, even with the absence of their dad. Unfortunately, I think it was one of the harder days we have had in a while.
We don't like to go to church on Father's Day...it's just a hard place to be, so we don't. Everyone just slept in and there was yard work that needed to get finished before the rain came, so we worked on that this morning. I saw lots of cars drive by on their way to church or wherever they were going as a family. I wished that were us. Truthfully, I felt pretty angry about it.
We had planned to do our "annual" hike, but that got rained out when the storms started moving in sooner than I thought they would, so we ordered food from our favorite Mexican restaurant "to go" because, A) we were filthy from weed-pulling and mowing, B) it sucks to sit there feeling like we stick out like a "sore thumb" amidst all the "complete" families, and C) I didn't feel like answering, "will your husband be joining you or is dad joining us today" which is a typical question on Father's Day when you eat out at a restaurant, believe it or not. So, we got our food and went home with it.
Our plans to take flowers out to their dad's grave got "washed away" too and none of them wanted to go. We ended up watching lots of back to back shows in a series we have been watching together on netflix. Then, the fighting started between the boys so everyone dispersed and I just wanted to cry. We did end up watching an older little video of some slides I made of pictures of them with their dad over the years. Hard....that is the only word for it. It's like they want to see it, but they also don't. It's a mixed range of emotions and I just didn't know how to handle them all today. I know of several friends who were spending their first Father's day without their dad, and my heart was heavy for them. I also feel the kindred emptiness that a lot of my widow mom friends were facing today and thought of each of them throughout the day.
Basically, I have watched the clock tick by and just wanted this day to be over. I couldn't be more grateful for the dad these boys had, but today I just feel sad and pissed off that he is not here with us. I know I sound like "debbie downer" but that is the reality. I know it's a lot easier for everyone to hear how we were "victorious" over the hardness that this day brings. We were not. And, that's okay. Thankfully, tomorrow is another day. I don't want anyone to pity us or feel sad for our situation. I don't! I only hope that people can stop and realize what they have for what it is...a gift. A gift that is not guaranteed tomorrow.
I've been blessed with an amazing father and Rod's dad is here in Franklin and does a lot to help me and remain a part of our lives, so I am thankful for them both. I hope that every dad out there felt so much love and that every mom did all they could to make that happen for them, and so did every child who has their dad around!!
New mercies tomorrow...thank you Jesus!
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