20 Things for the 20th Anniversary...Make it Matter!

I'm not going to lie...Today marks a milestone that is tearing at my heart and it feels a little hard to breathe. Today would have been mine and Bunky's 20th wedding anniversary.

I actually remember so vividly a discussion we had on our honeymoon about how we would go back to Hawaii to celebrate our 20th. We dreamed about what our life would look like at that point. How many kids would we have? Where would we live? What would we be doing? All of those discussions were from the perspective that we would be together...doing whatever life looked like at that time, fast-forwarded 20 years. Never would either of us imagined that one of us would be gone from this earth when August 1, 2018 finally arrived.

So, here I am without him. And while 5 years has passed since he went to be with Jesus, it still feels like he should be here with me. Even though the shock has worn off and many wounds have healed with time, there is still an ache at the core of who I am. A desperation in my very soul. A piece of my heart, hopes, and dreams are gone. It's my reality now and I am learning to live a new life that he is not physically in, even though it's not what I would have wanted. It was God's plan and I have to believe in His sovereignty, regardless of what I see in front of me.

I think one of the beautiful things that happens when someone goes through loss or when tragedy occurs and life is significantly altered...a NEW perspective is gained! Suddenly, things that meant so much, don't anymore. And, consequently, things that were overlooked become more important. The little things really matter.

I have been thinking a lot about some of the things that Bunky and I shared and did that mattered. Things that hold so much more significance to me now. Things I wished that I hadn't taken for granted. Also, some things I wished we did more of. So, I decided in honor of what would have been our 20th Anniversary, I would create a list to hopefully encourage my married friends to "make it matter."

20 Things to Make It Matter:

1. Write your spouse a love note and leave it on the dash of their car or on the mirror.
2. Hold your hug for 20 extra seconds.
3. Give them flowers “just because”…even if you just pick wildflowers on the side of the road.
4. Go for a walk and hold hands while you do.
5. Give them a back rub or foot massage.
6. Send them a random text to tell them something that makes you smile about them.
7. Dress up and go out for a fancy dinner…then, make sure someone takes a picture of you.
8. Play a board game or cards together.
9. Watch a sunset together.
10. Ask your spouse to share what they are most proud of, most excited for, most concerned about, and most fearful of. Don’t talk. Don’t judge. Just listen. Then, affirm them. 
11. Get off your phone, iPad, computer and live in the moment with your spouse, even if it’s just for 30 minutes in the evening. Show them what a priority they are to you.
12. Take a long drive together with the windows down. 
13. Make a playlist with all your favorite songs and dance together.
14. Take Pictures together….lots of them and not just on special occasions.
15. Watch a really funny movie and laugh together until your belly hurts.
16. Plan a weekend away together…just the 2 of you OR send your kids away with friends and family and have a staycation together alone at home.
17. Kiss longer.
18. Tell your spouse the top 3 things you love and respect most about about them.
19. Make sure you have a Living Will and have talked about your wishes in case the worst should happen…whether you are 20 or 60, it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give each other.
20. Pray together daily.

We certainly didn't have a perfect marriage. We struggled like anyone else. We had some ugly fights with each other. We had doubts and disappointments. We said things we didn't mean. But, at the end of the day, I always knew I was deeply loved and he knew the same. I am thankful for the peace I have knowing we had something special. Something that was unbreakable, even though we were both broken people. We were in it for the long haul and I'm certain we would be in Hawaii celebrating now.

I know my husband is gone, so it might seem easy for me to say these things now. Marriage is hard. It takes dedication, patience, selflessness, and effort. I think that is what makes it that much more beautiful when you come through the rough times and choose to love each other through it. Take time today to even just pick one thing from the list and then do it. Even if you don't want to. Even if you are mad as hell at your spouse. Even if they don't "deserve" it. You will never regret that you did. The next anniversary may come and one of you may no longer be here. Don't let a simple opportunity pass to make it matter!

The significance of 5 years

To say that 5 years ago my husband took his last breath on this earth and entered eternity in Heaven, seems mind-blowing. To me, 5 years...FIVE...just feels significant. It is a number that carries some weight. A benchmark, so to speak. In the medical world, you hear of 5 year survival rates. I know for our own family, getting to the 5 year cancer free mark for Cooper was hugely significant. I think of other big "5 year marks" that people refer to...like making it through the first 5 years of marriage and 5 years in recovery from addiction...these are milestones to be celebrated and hurdles of great victory!

I wish I could say 5 years since that day I said my final goodbye, I have felt something significant happen in my heart... something monumental to celebrate or like I have really overcome something. In some ways, I have certainly moved forward and have been able to accept the way that things have turned out. There are more happy moments and less sadness and time has absolutely been the biggest factor in that. However, I wouldn't say that the pain is any less or that I feel "cured" of the heartbreak. It has just become numbed with the passage of time. It's still real. Very real.

Life still feels hard. That's the bottom line. The tragedy that struck our family is still something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There are still constant reminders of what's missing...and well, honestly, it still hurts. It still doesn't feel "right." Every holiday, every "family event", every big decision, every celebration, every disappointment. Every last one of them still feels like it is supposed to be shared with Rod Cook.

Time has healed lots of wounds, but there are scars that will always be there. They remind me of what we have come through. Sometimes they elicit tears and other times joy at remembering what we had and getting to see the legacy he left.

I say none of this for pity or to make anyone ever feel sorry for us. That's honestly the last thing I want. I always want to be completely transparent and work so hard to teach my boys to speak truth, not just what you think someone wants to hear. It really sucks to lose your husband and father so unexpectedly, and that is the reality. There is no proper timeline for when you should be "over it" and as much as I would like to believe that sometimes, it's just not the truth. What I can say, is that we have tried to make the best of our "story", we have tried to rise above, we have tried to glorify God in our circumstances. Sometimes we do that well and other times we absolutely fail. But, we are trying. I am trying. One day at a time.

At the beach in the spring the year their dad died. Carson was writing "RC" in the sand

Most importantly, through it all, I feel so incredibly loved and held. God has fulfilled His promise to be near to my broken heart. He has carried me. He has given me a peace that is truly beyond any human understanding. I am so grateful for that. I have seen His tenderness in a personal way that I probably never would have otherwise. I have the blessing of a perspective that now soaks in the little things, because you never know what can happen. I have experienced true friendship and community in a more meaningful way, because I have had to let go of my stubbornness and let others help me, even when I absolutely don't want to.

The realization that no matter how hard I have tried to keep their dad's memory alive and fully present, the boys memories have faded with time...THIS has probably been one of the most difficult things for me to accept. Cooper is almost the age that Carson was when his dad died. He has now experienced more life without his dad than with him in it. He has very few memories. That is heartbreaking to me. I found this picture that my sister took of Cooper sleeping early in the morning on the day of his dad's funeral. He looks like such a baby to me. He was sleeping so peacefully and had no way to grasp what that day and the days ahead would mean for him.

So, today is a benchmark, I suppose. Five years sometimes still feels like yesterday. I'm thankful to have been loved and given the gift of these 3 boys, by someone so extraordinary. My hope is still in Christ's promises. I will always remember, but I will continue to look ahead to the chapters He still has to write in our book. 

I am truly thankful for the village of people who continue to remember Rod Cook ("Bunky" to many of those) and to those who have come into our lives even after, but still support and love us so well. He would be amazed and thankful for the kindness shown to his family. I can't tell you in words what it means to us and how it has carried us for the last 5 years. God is so, so good! He truly is a Father to the Fatherless and I believe my boys already know that in a way that is real, because of the goodness shown to them by the hands and feet of Jesus.

When Celebrations are Hard

It's been a while since I have written anything. I will have to admit that this was intentional. It's been a combination of just where we are with life, raising 3 active boys alone, and also not really knowing how to express what's going on in my head and heart.

Blogging has been an outlet for me. A way to share what God is showing me. A place to vent and organize my messy thoughts. It's also very vulnerable. I have been in a long season of not wanting to expose that vulnerability. I can't tell you how many times I have sat down to write and then shut my feelings off because I just don't have the energy to "go there."

Today would have been Rod Cook's 47th birthday. This time of year is difficult for me. It's a cold season of just surviving and full of celebrations that should be joyful, but aren't (aside from my sweet Colby's birthday, which just happened 3 days ago).

Anyone who has lost someone close to them can probably agree...a time that should be celebrating another year of life of someone who is no longer here, carries a lot of emotion. There's sadness that the person is no longer here. There's resentment over what "should have been." A day that used to be filled with balloons, cake, cards, and gifts is now a quiet day on the calendar.

It seems to pass in slow motion, and it's as if you know there is something that SHOULD be happening, but it's not. It almost feels like a date on the calendar that your body knows should have something big going on, but it's as if you missed it, even though you are completely aware of it. The heart just knows, no matter how hard you may try to brush past it. There is also guilt over the fact that you are still here and they are not. It's another calendar year and another age that this person never reached.

And, while I imagine that there must be something special going on in Heaven on this day, I can't help but feel cheated that I am not there to be a part of it. As if I could somehow make that day better for him. As if he would even care in light of eternity and the much bigger celebration of being with His King!

So, in light of what should be a day celebrating another year of life for Rod Cook, we will hold our head high and focus on the years he was here. We will talk about him and hopefully laugh and smile, more than cry. We will remember the man he was and the incredible legacy he left in his short time on earth. We will celebrate his love, his loyalty, and his unbelievable gift of making everyone around him feel special.

Happy Birthday, Babe! I couldn't have been more proud to be your wife and the mother of your boys. We can't wait to see you again, but until that day I am clinging to this:

1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

Rejoice ALWAYS, pray CONTINUALLY, and give thanks in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

...even when the celebrations are hard!