20 Things for the 20th Anniversary...Make it Matter!

I'm not going to lie...Today marks a milestone that is tearing at my heart and it feels a little hard to breathe. Today would have been mine and Bunky's 20th wedding anniversary.

I actually remember so vividly a discussion we had on our honeymoon about how we would go back to Hawaii to celebrate our 20th. We dreamed about what our life would look like at that point. How many kids would we have? Where would we live? What would we be doing? All of those discussions were from the perspective that we would be together...doing whatever life looked like at that time, fast-forwarded 20 years. Never would either of us imagined that one of us would be gone from this earth when August 1, 2018 finally arrived.

So, here I am without him. And while 5 years has passed since he went to be with Jesus, it still feels like he should be here with me. Even though the shock has worn off and many wounds have healed with time, there is still an ache at the core of who I am. A desperation in my very soul. A piece of my heart, hopes, and dreams are gone. It's my reality now and I am learning to live a new life that he is not physically in, even though it's not what I would have wanted. It was God's plan and I have to believe in His sovereignty, regardless of what I see in front of me.

I think one of the beautiful things that happens when someone goes through loss or when tragedy occurs and life is significantly altered...a NEW perspective is gained! Suddenly, things that meant so much, don't anymore. And, consequently, things that were overlooked become more important. The little things really matter.

I have been thinking a lot about some of the things that Bunky and I shared and did that mattered. Things that hold so much more significance to me now. Things I wished that I hadn't taken for granted. Also, some things I wished we did more of. So, I decided in honor of what would have been our 20th Anniversary, I would create a list to hopefully encourage my married friends to "make it matter."

20 Things to Make It Matter:

1. Write your spouse a love note and leave it on the dash of their car or on the mirror.
2. Hold your hug for 20 extra seconds.
3. Give them flowers “just because”…even if you just pick wildflowers on the side of the road.
4. Go for a walk and hold hands while you do.
5. Give them a back rub or foot massage.
6. Send them a random text to tell them something that makes you smile about them.
7. Dress up and go out for a fancy dinner…then, make sure someone takes a picture of you.
8. Play a board game or cards together.
9. Watch a sunset together.
10. Ask your spouse to share what they are most proud of, most excited for, most concerned about, and most fearful of. Don’t talk. Don’t judge. Just listen. Then, affirm them. 
11. Get off your phone, iPad, computer and live in the moment with your spouse, even if it’s just for 30 minutes in the evening. Show them what a priority they are to you.
12. Take a long drive together with the windows down. 
13. Make a playlist with all your favorite songs and dance together.
14. Take Pictures together….lots of them and not just on special occasions.
15. Watch a really funny movie and laugh together until your belly hurts.
16. Plan a weekend away together…just the 2 of you OR send your kids away with friends and family and have a staycation together alone at home.
17. Kiss longer.
18. Tell your spouse the top 3 things you love and respect most about about them.
19. Make sure you have a Living Will and have talked about your wishes in case the worst should happen…whether you are 20 or 60, it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give each other.
20. Pray together daily.

We certainly didn't have a perfect marriage. We struggled like anyone else. We had some ugly fights with each other. We had doubts and disappointments. We said things we didn't mean. But, at the end of the day, I always knew I was deeply loved and he knew the same. I am thankful for the peace I have knowing we had something special. Something that was unbreakable, even though we were both broken people. We were in it for the long haul and I'm certain we would be in Hawaii celebrating now.

I know my husband is gone, so it might seem easy for me to say these things now. Marriage is hard. It takes dedication, patience, selflessness, and effort. I think that is what makes it that much more beautiful when you come through the rough times and choose to love each other through it. Take time today to even just pick one thing from the list and then do it. Even if you don't want to. Even if you are mad as hell at your spouse. Even if they don't "deserve" it. You will never regret that you did. The next anniversary may come and one of you may no longer be here. Don't let a simple opportunity pass to make it matter!