Celebrating Birthdays- Then and Now

Today is February 13, 2023. A date on the calendar that creeps up every year and hits my heart in a heavy way. Ten years ago was the last time that my late husband, Rod aka "Bunky," celebrated his birthday on this earth. He was 42 years old and seemingly had his whole life ahead of him... 

A wife of almost 15 years, who loved and respected him. Three young boys who admired their dad and wanted to be just like him. Countless young players coached on a baseball field and countless colleagues mentored in the work field, all who thought the world of him and who he loved to inspire. A non-profit he founded that was really doing great things for families who had a child with cancer. Not to mention, his own son, who would soon be completely cancer free. A career he was passionate about with a new company that he was thrilled to work for. More opportunity to do the things he enjoyed most in life...pouring into people. Lots to be thankful for and look forward to.

So, here we are now, 10 years later. He is gone and that was the last birthday he celebrated with us. I'm sure as we get older, we wonder and think about things like, "will this be my last birthday?" But,...in your early 40's, it's just not what most people are thinking about. Unless you were Bunky!

I have often said that he was always thinking about the future...planning for what might come, talking about being prepared for the unexpected, etc. He literally started doing that before we were even married. What ended up being the greatest gift (the knowing what he wanted, not if, but "when I'm gone" wishes that he used to speak so frequently about), would annoy me to no end, in the moment. His closest friends know what I'm talking about, because he would have conversations with them as well.  Conversations about how he wanted them to be sure this was done or that was taken care of when he was gone one day. We have said that it's almost like he knew he was going to die early in life, because of the way he would talk about the future. I remember many birthdays, that he would want to have those sort of conversations with me.

 I know that my life, my boys' lives, Andy's life, and so many others would look very different if he was here today, celebrating his 52nd birthday. It's a bitter-sweet blend of emotions, tinged with all the what-ifs, should've, could've, joys and aches, that make my heart feel like it is on a constant swivel between remembering, reconciling, and reaching forward. 

What would so many things look like if he was still here? What should I have done differently? How would the boys be? Where would Andy be and how different would things be with him?

So many questions without answers!

What I know for certain is that:    

• Pain is real
• It's okay to feel
• Time does heal
• God has the wheel

(I should write a country song with those lyrics, right?🤠) But, these are truths!

My heart hurts deeply, I will always love and miss him; AND (not but) I am grateful to love and be loved by another man who is grounded enough to allow me the space to do that, WHENEVER I WANT AND NEED TO, without guilt and without insecurity.

With time, the wounds have healed and the pain is less with each birthday, (each year) that comes and goes. Looking forward and trusting that God is in control of my tomorrows and He does have the "wheel", is the very thing that gives me HOPE and the strength to move forward. He has already given the boys and I such a blessing in Andy. I am grateful for that. I know for certain that Bunky would be too!

It also doesn't mean I have forgotten anything. I don't want to forget, but I also don't want to get stuck on one part of the swivel. Remembering is good and part of healing. There is a unique beauty in being able to move in and out of the deep parts of opposing emotions, allowing myself to fully feel them all.  

Happy Birthday, Rod Cook...You were a legendary man with a heart of gold! I celebrate the short life you lived on this earth and thank you for the mark you made on mine and so many others' lives.