10 years ago...

Rod Cook 

February 13, 1972 - July 3, 2013

A decade has passed. I'm not sure how, but it has. So many life events, pivotal moments, and changes have happened. Yet, somehow, certain things feel the same. It's really hard to capture it in words. More than anything it is a sacred, unspoken space that still exists within me. Sometimes, that space holds joy and laughter with everyday thoughts and memories of my own or that come when someone shares a story of him. Other times that space is filled with pain and longing for his presence...the "you should be here for this" moments, the "if only I could have one more day" moments, the "your boys need you" moments. 

I've done a lot of reflecting over the last few days. All the events that lead up to when my Bunky was taken from this earth. Something about this 10 year mark has weighed extra heavy. 

I kept a journal at the hospital that I would write things in during those few days that we waited for the doctors to tell us what we already knew. I went back and read some of it. 

"I feel like this is a nightmare and I just need to wake up"

"This can't be happening...please God, NO!"

"My mind knows it, but my heart doesn't want to believe it"

"I feel so numb. How will I be able to go on living"

Those were some of the things I wrote in those days leading up to and right after. As I read my own words, I felt a deep, crushing sorrow for that 40 year old mom of 3 boys who were only 10, 7, and 4 years old at the time. It literally felt like something was sucking the air out of me.

And, I also realized that life was not over, even though I felt like it was in that moment. It was certainly forever different, but 10 years later I am here and have embraced that this was part of the story God wrote for Rod Cook's life, my life, my boys' lives, his parent's lives, and all those who were impacted by him. God never left my side...not once! There has been some hard. There has been some beautiful. There has been everything in between. Parenting alone for these years was by far the most challenging thing I have ever done, and it was not done perfectly. In fact, I really messed up many times. I have and will continue to make a lot of mistakes. But, they are now 20, 17, and 14, and I'm proud of them and the young men that they are. I know their dad is too. 

For 10 years, I decided to write 10 "statements" that I felt like most described him:

1. His passion for Jesus was evident. 
2. He loved his boys with every fiber of his being.  
3. His smile was contagious. 
4. He invested whole-heartedly in what he believed in. 
5. He was kind. 
6. He was hard-working. 
7. He inspired others to be their best. 
8. He loved baseball, college football, and golf. 
9. He was loyal. 
10. He made me a better person.

We miss you every day, ROD COOK...but, we will see you again. Because of what Jesus did on the cross and the hope that gave us through salvation, we will rejoice! This is not our final home. You will never be forgotten. Your legacy lives on and is strong!

2 Corinthians 4:18- "We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Lamentations 3:32- "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is HIS unfailing love." 

WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR FRIEND LOSES A SPOUSE

(this could likely be used for a husband who lost his wife, but I’m basing it on my own experience as a woman who lost her husband).

I can’t tell you how many times people closer to my age have reached out to me to gently ask, “How can I best help my friend who just lost a spouse suddenly?” 

Too many to count. 

When part of your story includes losing your husband suddenly and traumatically…out of nowhere, as a 40 year old with 3 boys, aged 10, 7, and 4, it is just something to expect. 

People have often told me that they were hesitant to ask, but knew I would understand. A lot of people have told me they wondered things like: 

Would it upset me? 

Would it trigger emotions or things I didn’t want to think about? 

Would it make me feel the loss all over again?

The answer is NO. 

It has been almost 10 years since my husband went into sudden cardiac arrest in the bed next to me.  

10 YEARS...

• Since I woke up in shock, not even really knowing what was happening. 
• Since desperately trying to give CPR to my husband who was having a normal conversation with me just 5 hours before, when we went to bed. 
• Since being told by the paramedics that IF they could get a heart rhythm, which hospital would I like him taken to? 
• Since watching as a defibrillator was used and 6 epipens administered to try to save him. 
• Since being at the ER and being told he was improving to hours later being told there was little hope for survival, short of a miracle. 
• To then making calls to his parents (he was also an only child), family, friends, and sitting down with our 3 precious sons to tell them that their daddy was not going to survive, when he had just coached one of their baseball teams only 3 days before. 
• To then making the most painfully crushing decision to honor his wishes, when it was clear that he had suffered too much brain damage to survive without a machine. 

So, 10 years later, the answer is NO…it is not going to upset me, trigger me, or be “too much” for me to handle. Maybe a year after it would have felt that way, but not now. And, I'm more than happy to share my story and what was helpful for me, personally.

Time heals. It is something that people who had walked in these shoes said to me in those early days after losing my husband. I remember thinking, “that seems so simple for all the complex things I’m feeling right now…the shock, the numbness, the brokenness, the uncertainty, the deep grief over what just occurred and what I expected and hoped for in the future, the feeling of drowning in heartache.” But, here I am, almost 10 years later, and I can say that TIME DOES HEAL. It does not completely take all of those raw feelings away. But, it does lessen the intensity of it all. 

With that being said, the least I could do is share my experience in hopes that even one person walking that road might benefit in some small way. I was blessed with an army of people who rushed in and cared for me and my family in the most deeply profound ways. I will forever be grateful for that. It didn’t take the pain away, but it certainly made me feel like I wasn’t going to be alone in the heaviness that I would carry. 

I have written some of these things down in a journal over the years and have gone back to emails, remembered phone calls, and conversations I have had with the MANY people who have reached out to ask how they can best help someone going through this. 

So, I decided to do a blog post that I could reference or that others could share, when this traumatic, life-altering event happens to someone you love. Hopefully, it will be a resource. It is not exhaustive (although it might seem by the length of this) and everyone is different, so maybe there are some things you can take and others you can leave. One day I do hope to write a book about all of this. But for now, here goes…

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First, Thank YOU for being that friend or family member who wants to know how to help in a situation that came out of nowhere and turned the whole world upside down in the most devastating way! 

You are needed now. 

You will be needed a month from now. 

You will be needed a year, two years, 10 years from now. 

Please don’t forget that. 

Things I needed/found helpful (even if I didn’t know I needed them at the time) and other things that people did for us. Some of this is written as if I’m speaking to the person who just lost a spouse…you will follow me here, I think. It was easier to copy/paste from some previous communications, so I left them "as is." 

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• Go-To person/ Spokesperson/ Main Communicator of Information

So important. Allow someone to step into this role for you (or possibly a couple of people who can share this responsibility). It should be someone who knows you well and isn’t afraid to piss people off on your behalf (and believe me, there will be lots of people with hurt feelings, misunderstanding, etc). Having just a few people to communicate with was very helpful, instead of my phone blowing up and feeling like I needed to respond to everyone.

I was completely overwhelmed and really in shock. I couldn’t think straight and felt like I was barely surviving. I had to be reminded to stop and eat. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t know what time it was or what day it was. I had a friend who just stepped up and handled all communication on my behalf. A site was created (I don’t even remember if it was caringbridge, (but that is a good one) or Facebook or simply a list of emails of people who were reaching out or that wanted to be updated. She sent out: 

• updates 
• ways to help
• meal train sign ups 

• Meal Train - you could have a completely different person do this part. MEALS were extremely helpful! We had a big cooler on the porch and people left the meal at a particular time frame. If I was up for it, I could go to the door. I figured I would be wanting to see people, more than I actually was. So, I was glad I had the freedom to just let people leave food without feeling like I needed to see/talk to everyone. VERY helpful….Gift cards to delivery service, local restaurants, and grocery store. Sometimes you get tired of the casseroles and it’s okay! :) One of the favorite meals we got was someone grilled burgers and made enough for us, added some french fries, and a dessert. They loved it!
• TIP for food: Try to put as much in disposable pans as possible. Send paper plates, cutlery, napkins. Easy clean up and storage for left overs. 
• Have someone make a list for you to keep up with who brought what and when. Keep it in a handy place to add to when someone brings something, whether that is a meal or a bag of groceries.
• Other Helpful things (food related): One of my favorites: I had a couple of neighbors who would randomly drop off a couple of bags full of snacks from costco/grocery store, for the boys’ school lunches and after school snacks. They also brought things like Paper Towels and Toilet Paper. They would just drop it by the garage without a note, so that I wasn’t worried about a thank you note. I later found out who it was…but truly, this was VERY helpful. This same neighbor even brought snacks a couple of times and chicken quesadillas she made and cut into wedges for the boys right after school. She would drop it by right before they got off the bus and they had no idea that I didn’t make them myself. It felt good to pretend for a minute that I was capable of doing that for them! :) 

• A Checking Account was set up where people made donations.  I didn’t even know they were doing this until after the fact. This ended up being used to pay for services listed below. Someone else handled all of it, as far as paying for these things. 

• House-cleaning
• someone to cut the grass
• child care
• Grief Counseling 

At first I felt resistant to having the house cleaned every other week and someone to cut the grass about every week. Once I just let go of this, I was honestly so thankful that these things were taken care of. Something like GoFund Me would be similar.

• Offer to pick your friend up to get out of the house. Maybe even just going for a walk or getting a pedicure/manicure.

• Cards, Notes of encouragement- These always brightened my day.

• Don’t be afraid to say the name of the person who just died. Share a favorite memory. It’s okay to talk about them and a lot of times people tend to avoid it because they think it’s painful. I promise, it’s more painful when everyone suddenly stops talking about that person and you think he is forgotten.

• Offer to help with the kids (if they have young kids)…in fact, I would even say you could insist on it. I always felt like I was burdening people, but sometimes I just needed to have some time alone. When someone took the kids to do something fun, it made me feel better knowing they were having a good time. 

• If family isn’t around, offer to stay over, sleep on the couch, etc. especially once out of town family leaves in the beginning. Night time is the MOST lonely!!!

• Encourage Grief Counseling, Grief Share groups when they are ready

• Collect notes, favorite memories, photos from friends of the deceased spouse. Then put them in a book to give to your widowed friend and the children. This is especially sweet a month or two down the road, when the dusts settles a little, to remind them that their spouse is never forgotten. It is really special for years to come for the children to read about the impact their parent had on others too. 

• Collect t-shirts or ties of the spouse to make into a blanket, teddy bear, etc. There are lots of places that do these. My closest girl friends asked me to give them a pile of special shirts for each of the boys and my own favorites too. I didn’t know what they were doing with them, but they had blankets made for each of us. So special and we use them to this day!!

 

• Little things were so helpful with the kids, whether it was stuff needed for their classes/school (I had a couple of friends whose kids were at my boys school, jump in and make sure that I knew about deadlines or things needed, etc….usually they just handled it for me). Registration for sports or upcoming things like camps…a friend would remind me or offer to fill out forms, pick up stuff they needed, etc. I had one friend just take Carson to try on his football stuff and she picked up what he needed so I didn’t have to go out to do that.

• Facing everyone can be lonely and difficult in the weeks after. You feel the eyes on you, pitying you and just feeling sad for you…I always appreciated someone offering to go watch my kids’ baseball games with me, sit at church with me, or go and sit with me at a school program. It is the loneliest feeling in the world to do that all alone right after losing your spouse. It can also be awkward for you and others that haven’t seen you…they don’t know what to say sometimes and I just wasn’t always up for it. I wanted to get in and get out. A friend by your side to be a “watch dog” and quickly get you in and out of places is nice! 

• Everyone grieves at their own pace and in their own way….whatever that looks like IT IS OKAY, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Give yourself grace and don’t compare. 

• Try to get sleep…whatever that takes! It makes a huge difference when you are in deep mourning. I didn’t sleep for several days and had to finally take something to completely knock me out. That is okay!

• Encourage your friend to talk to a doctor and accept medicine if it is needed. I tried to be so tough and not accept help or medicine. I finally had to acknowledge that I needed therapy and anti-depressant meds, as well as medicine to help me sleep. I eventually did EMDR therapy to help me process and work through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It was truly life-changing for me and I highly recommend. 

• It’s good to encourage the one grieving that it is okay to say “no” to anything they don’t want to do right now, and it is okay to say “yes” to offers of help. It is the best way they can love themselves through the grief.

• Physical activity is good on so many levels….going for hikes was extremely therapeutic for me. 

• Praying friends who would come and sit with me and just pray and cry with me were the best. 

• Know that people will say stupid things (see below for what NOT to say). They mean well, they just don’t know what to say. Death, especially for someone who hasn’t really experienced loss close to them, can tend to be something people struggle with. Be prepared for people to start crying to you, even if you are not. That is okay, but if you can’t deal with it, that is also okay. You can put up boundaries and explain that you appreciate their sympathy and tears, but it’s difficult for you to put any energy into consoling anyone right now. (This is a great time for your “watch dog” to step in on your behalf…that friend that doesn’t mind getting you out of a situation at the risk of someone being upset with them). 

Sometimes saying nothing is better than trying to say something that is the wrong thing. A hug with no words at all is more powerful and comforting than trying too hard to say a bunch of things, just for the sake of saying them. Furthermore, don’t say that you will do something or promise to “be there” if you know that you really won’t be able to make that commitment.

THINGS THAT ARE OKAY TO SAY:

• “I’m so sorry” 
• “I see how much pain you are in, and I can’t imagine, but I am here for you in any way that you need me”
• “I don’t know what words to say, because I know there is nothing that can take away your pain, but please know that you are loved/prayed for, etc”
• “I am going to be here. You will not have to walk alone”
• “I can’t imagine or understand what you are going through and how hard this must be, but I am heartbroken for you”
• “Name of spouse, had such an impact/was so adored/loved, etc, and I will never forget him. He will be missed greatly.”
• “I am here for you and commit to praying for you/your kids”
• “Name of spouse loved you so much and I know you felt the same. I am so sorry this has happened.” (if you have a specific story or something the spouse had shared with you about the living spouse that would bring joy/comfort…SHARE IT)
• “I am so sorry for what you are going through and want to talk with you about specific things I can do to help you when the time is right”
• “I know that nothing could possibly take away the pain you must be feeling right now and I’m not even sure how to help you, but I just want you to know that I want to do whatever I can.”

NOT OKAY TO SAY:

• “I know what you are going through and you will be okay” (unless you honestly do; and even still, your experience is not the same. (It somehow minimizes what the person is feeling to make comparisons)
• “Everything happens for a reason”
• “God must have needed your husband to do something greater”
• “He is in a better place”
• “You are still so young, you will find someone else”
• “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”
• “Heaven must have needed another angel”
• “What are you going to do now” 
• “Time will heal your pain” or “Just give it time and you will move on” (Time DOES heal; yes, but unless you have walked in their shoes….they do not want to hear this. In fact, I wouldn’t even say this to someone right after they lost a spouse!
• "You will just have to be mom and dad now” (in fact, there could never be anything more false…I could never fill the role of their dad and I didn’t have to. I learned from my therapist that all this statement did was put more pressure on me to be something/someone that I wasn’t. I had enough pressure just to be the surviving parent who was suddenly thrown into a place of doing it on my own, while also grieving...I didn’t need the added pressure.) 
• **Side note: please also tell people to NOT say to your sons “You will have to be the ‘man’ of the house now”…this is a burden that no young man should have to feel like he is to carry after losing his father. Will he have some additional responsibilities? Probably, as will any other kids. But it is a lot of pressure to say this to a young man who has lost his father. It can do some serious emotional damage. Trust me and just don't do it.

• Holidays are HARD…especially the first year, but really there will always be holidays that are difficult. Be aware. Offer support. Send a card on certain dates each year (mark it in your phone to remember). Nothing is more thoughtful than to receive something like that, even a text message, on a holiday, their birthday, day they died, to let you know they are thinking of you and they remembered. (I have a whole blog post on how to help specifically during the holidays, HERE)

• If you are a close friend/family member (after some time has passed), you might offer to help with things like going through their spouse's items, etc. This can be difficult and everyone moves at their own pace as far as when they are ready to do those things. There is no right timeline for cleaning out a spouses closet, office, whether or when to take off your wedding ring or wear it on a necklace, other hand, etc. You will know when it is right for you and what is right for you on all of those things… 

Of course, these are my memories, feelings, and things that were helpful/not helpful for me. Everyone is different. I think the biggest challenge for me was accepting help. I was stubborn about it too, even in this devastating situation. I finally had a wise friend press me to let it go. I started to realize that when I refused to let others help, I was “stealing their joy.”

I will forever be grateful for so many who carried us through that time. More than anything, I am thankful that I have a personal relationship with Christ, even though there were times that I questioned His goodness and plan. I wrestled through those and continue to do that at times, even now. Here is what I do know for certain...He is big enough to handle it. He makes beauty from ashes. He has never left me.

My favorite books/devotionals during this time: (some of these may be really old now and I'm sure there are some better things out there):

Streams in the Desert- Cowman
How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies- Rando
Getting to the Other Side of Grief- Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse- Zonnebelt-Smeenge & De Vries
And Life Comes Back- A Wife's Story of Love, Loss, and Hope Reclaimed- Williford
Let's Pretend We're Normal- Adventures in Rediscovering How to Be a Family- Williford
The Invisible String (For the Boys)





Missy Cook Brookover

Celebrating Birthdays- Then and Now

Today is February 13, 2023. A date on the calendar that creeps up every year and hits my heart in a heavy way. Ten years ago was the last time that my late husband, Rod aka "Bunky," celebrated his birthday on this earth. He was 42 years old and seemingly had his whole life ahead of him... 

A wife of almost 15 years, who loved and respected him. Three young boys who admired their dad and wanted to be just like him. Countless young players coached on a baseball field and countless colleagues mentored in the work field, all who thought the world of him and who he loved to inspire. A non-profit he founded that was really doing great things for families who had a child with cancer. Not to mention, his own son, who would soon be completely cancer free. A career he was passionate about with a new company that he was thrilled to work for. More opportunity to do the things he enjoyed most in life...pouring into people. Lots to be thankful for and look forward to.

So, here we are now, 10 years later. He is gone and that was the last birthday he celebrated with us. I'm sure as we get older, we wonder and think about things like, "will this be my last birthday?" But,...in your early 40's, it's just not what most people are thinking about. Unless you were Bunky!

I have often said that he was always thinking about the future...planning for what might come, talking about being prepared for the unexpected, etc. He literally started doing that before we were even married. What ended up being the greatest gift (the knowing what he wanted, not if, but "when I'm gone" wishes that he used to speak so frequently about), would annoy me to no end, in the moment. His closest friends know what I'm talking about, because he would have conversations with them as well.  Conversations about how he wanted them to be sure this was done or that was taken care of when he was gone one day. We have said that it's almost like he knew he was going to die early in life, because of the way he would talk about the future. I remember many birthdays, that he would want to have those sort of conversations with me.

 I know that my life, my boys' lives, Andy's life, and so many others would look very different if he was here today, celebrating his 52nd birthday. It's a bitter-sweet blend of emotions, tinged with all the what-ifs, should've, could've, joys and aches, that make my heart feel like it is on a constant swivel between remembering, reconciling, and reaching forward. 

What would so many things look like if he was still here? What should I have done differently? How would the boys be? Where would Andy be and how different would things be with him?

So many questions without answers!

What I know for certain is that:    

• Pain is real
• It's okay to feel
• Time does heal
• God has the wheel

(I should write a country song with those lyrics, right?🤠) But, these are truths!

My heart hurts deeply, I will always love and miss him; AND (not but) I am grateful to love and be loved by another man who is grounded enough to allow me the space to do that, WHENEVER I WANT AND NEED TO, without guilt and without insecurity.

With time, the wounds have healed and the pain is less with each birthday, (each year) that comes and goes. Looking forward and trusting that God is in control of my tomorrows and He does have the "wheel", is the very thing that gives me HOPE and the strength to move forward. He has already given the boys and I such a blessing in Andy. I am grateful for that. I know for certain that Bunky would be too!

It also doesn't mean I have forgotten anything. I don't want to forget, but I also don't want to get stuck on one part of the swivel. Remembering is good and part of healing. There is a unique beauty in being able to move in and out of the deep parts of opposing emotions, allowing myself to fully feel them all.  

Happy Birthday, Rod Cook...You were a legendary man with a heart of gold! I celebrate the short life you lived on this earth and thank you for the mark you made on mine and so many others' lives. 

2nd Chances

 Psalm 52:9

"For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will hope in your name, for your name is good."

So the day came that, if you had asked me only a couple of years ago, I would have said "No way!"

I got engaged to an incredible man this past Monday night. I want to relish in the joy of that. I want to remember all that I am feeling. And, I want to give praise to God, who has had His hand on my story from DAY 1. A God who never left and never let go. A God who gave me more than I could have ever asked or imagined and continues to blow me away with His goodness! 

While I rarely take time to blog anymore, I felt like this was one of those important times that called for it. I want to look back through all the entries one day and then see this one and say, "Wow...what a God story."

I am here to tell you that my story is far from over. I'm loving turning the pages and watching it all unfold. Chapters from the past give meaning to chapters that are to come. It's all intricately designed and woven together...both the hard and broken with the beautiful and whole.

I read this quote in a blog I have followed by a widow who remarried, named Michelle Baumgard. It is powerful and so completely describes how I feel when I have been asked about how it feels to love someone again after losing a spouse. 

"Loving again doesn't close the door on what you had before, in fact, it reveals it. It shows that you believed in love enough to sacrifice the pain of loss all over again. That's a testament to something beautiful that will forever endure." 

She goes on to say...

"Embrace it all and live life as entirely as possible. You are still here for a reason- you should live and maybe even love."

Sometimes we believe we know just how things are going to play out. We visualize it. There are pieces that start coming together. It's what we begin to imagine and dream about and hope for. It's what we begin to expect and play out, as if we had some control over it. 

For me, that is exactly what happened with my first love story. I met Bunky (Rod), dated and fell in love, got married, had a great life together with all it's ups and downs, had our children, and thought we would grow old together. Then, one day, in one single moment, all of that came to a crashing halt and my better half, best friend, father of my children, and the one that my life story was to be lived out with, took his last breath on this earth, unexpectedly. My story suddenly ended and everything felt shattered into a million pieces. It changed my view of the world (and even God, if I am being honest), in ways that took a while to recuperate from. In fact, I had fully prepared to let any story of love for me end right there with that last breath he took. I never wanted to experience that kind of love again, because the pain of losing it was too great of a risk. My heart was crushed and vulnerable and it all felt unbearable. I had resigned to the fact that I would be okay with living out my story alone. 

Then, slowly after several years and many, many conversations with God, I felt Him stirring something in me. I suddenly had a longing for more. I began to feel like my heart was actually capable of opening up to someone in a dating relationship. I still had doubts and fears that were paralyzing at times. But, nevertheless, those feelings of openness were present somewhere deep within. I even told some girlfriends and God Himself (very adamantly I might add), "If God has intentions for me to date or even love again, He is going to have to drop this guy in my lap, and say 'here you go, Missy.'" I didn't feel capable of seeking out a relationship on my own. God knew that and just as God does, He showed up big and literally gave me new eyes to see a man (a friend of 15 years) in a different way. He knew my heart would need someone that I already had a trusted relationship with to be brave enough to give it a try.

THEN CAME ANDY! 

God had been working in his heart as well. I don't think either of us saw it coming or could've imagined our friendship going where it did. Our parallel paths intersected in a new and wonderful way. He was patient (oh, so patient), and kind, and allowed me to work through all the emotions that I needed to. He was tender with my uncertainties and took gentle care of my heart. He allowed me space when I needed it and pursued and challenged me when I needed that too. He prayed with me, listened, and even shed tears with me over Bunky (who was also his friend). He was intentional in his relationship with my boys...meeting each one of them where they were, without forcing himself on them. He laughed with me and just had fun. Oh, how I needed to just really laugh with someone like that again. He would often say, "I love that I get to have a front row seat to watch you coming alive again, to see your happiness shine through."He is the best friend, one of the most self-less people I know. He cares deeply for me and the boys and shows us that consistently. He is his own person and I love him for that...he doesn't try to be anything he is not, and doesn't feel intimidated by my grief over losing Bunky. He looks for the good in others and is positive. He is God's perfect provision for me. 

 I don't understand the "why's" of Bunky's death. I never will. I will always love him. Death doesn't take that away. What I think some people can't understand, and maybe I would have been one of those people, until it has become my reality...I am fully capable, and in some ways probably even more equipped to love again. Fully, wholeheartedly love again. One relationship doesn't negate the other. One isn't "more than." One isn't "2nd choice." One doesn't replace the other. God meant for me to fully love one man at one time and He also meant for me to fully love another man, at a different time in my life. It is a gift to be able to experience both. 

I'm thankful and couldn't be happier to start the next chapters in this great, big, messy story of mine, with Andy. God really is so good!

Circumstances don't make you who you are, but reveal who you are, and then shape who you will become!

Where are you God?

What is your plan, anyway?

Why do you allow me to go through....fill in the blank.

All very real questions. Ones that seems to be front and center, especially in the midst of seasons that present real obstacles. Times when life just feels plain hard or even impossible. Times when what you hoped for or planned, don't quite turn out the way you imagined.

Something I read the other day, said,

"Circumstances don't make you who you are, but reveal who you are."
I would even go further and say...they sometimes force you into a place that shapes who you will become.

I often times look back and see now how God has had His hand on so many things to bring me to the place I am right now. There are too many events, some of which seemed inconsequential at the time, that God has used to bring me to this place at this time, walking forward on this path. None of it was a mistake. And while some of it still hurts, I know it was used to stretch my faith and place me right where He wants to grow me and use me.

(Originally written: December 2018)

So, the paragraphs above were written by me back at the end of 2018. 

I hadn't written anything for a while on my blog and decided to go see just how long it had been, when I stumbled across this post from the end of 2018. One that I had started, but never finished or published, for whatever reason. 

I had no intention of writing anything today, but when I read that old post I just knew I felt God tugging at me to "finish" what I started!

So, fast forward over a year later 1/31/2020....those words couldn't ring more true. And, I feel like I have so many friends in really hard places right now. Like... I'm talking in the pit, hopeless, and dark places! The kind that make your soul ache. The kind that have crushed you to a thousand pieces. The kind you wonder if you will EVER recover from.

I look back and know that some of the hard things people are walking through I have experienced myself, on some levels. And some of these things I have not walked through at all. 

But, what I know to be true is that I have walked through a dark valley (on multiple occasions in my life), and I can attest to the goodness of God to carry me through. 

I look back and know that He brought me through those things to bring me to other things, with a new perspective that I couldn't have otherwise had. And, while I never thought I would say it....I am grateful for the valleys. Those times not only revealed who I was, but shaped who I am becoming.

I see now that He was preparing me for the next chapters of my story. Giving me eyes to see things in a new and different way. A way that God already knew I would need, but couldn't obtain or get there without those soul-crushing experiences to give me that perspective. 

One path lead straight to another, to another, to another...that lead me to where I am now. I just had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward, not looking back to the past. I had to keep my eyes and my steps in a forward direction and let God work out all those details behind and before me to reveal who I am and who he was shaping me to become. 

To my friends who can't see it now....Hold on. Be held. He will bring you through. I really do believe that with all my heart and He promises to do that. (Proverbs 3:5-6, Psalm 16:11, Isaiah 41:13) Keep moving forward at His direction. Don't let the circumstances you may be in now, keep you from taking steps of faith forward. Let Him lead you and carry you all the way. 

And, what is in the next chapter will be more beautiful because of it!

20 Things for the 20th Anniversary...Make it Matter!

I'm not going to lie...Today marks a milestone that is tearing at my heart and it feels a little hard to breathe. Today would have been mine and Bunky's 20th wedding anniversary.

I actually remember so vividly a discussion we had on our honeymoon about how we would go back to Hawaii to celebrate our 20th. We dreamed about what our life would look like at that point. How many kids would we have? Where would we live? What would we be doing? All of those discussions were from the perspective that we would be together...doing whatever life looked like at that time, fast-forwarded 20 years. Never would either of us imagined that one of us would be gone from this earth when August 1, 2018 finally arrived.

So, here I am without him. And while 5 years has passed since he went to be with Jesus, it still feels like he should be here with me. Even though the shock has worn off and many wounds have healed with time, there is still an ache at the core of who I am. A desperation in my very soul. A piece of my heart, hopes, and dreams are gone. It's my reality now and I am learning to live a new life that he is not physically in, even though it's not what I would have wanted. It was God's plan and I have to believe in His sovereignty, regardless of what I see in front of me.

I think one of the beautiful things that happens when someone goes through loss or when tragedy occurs and life is significantly altered...a NEW perspective is gained! Suddenly, things that meant so much, don't anymore. And, consequently, things that were overlooked become more important. The little things really matter.

I have been thinking a lot about some of the things that Bunky and I shared and did that mattered. Things that hold so much more significance to me now. Things I wished that I hadn't taken for granted. Also, some things I wished we did more of. So, I decided in honor of what would have been our 20th Anniversary, I would create a list to hopefully encourage my married friends to "make it matter."

20 Things to Make It Matter:

1. Write your spouse a love note and leave it on the dash of their car or on the mirror.
2. Hold your hug for 20 extra seconds.
3. Give them flowers “just because”…even if you just pick wildflowers on the side of the road.
4. Go for a walk and hold hands while you do.
5. Give them a back rub or foot massage.
6. Send them a random text to tell them something that makes you smile about them.
7. Dress up and go out for a fancy dinner…then, make sure someone takes a picture of you.
8. Play a board game or cards together.
9. Watch a sunset together.
10. Ask your spouse to share what they are most proud of, most excited for, most concerned about, and most fearful of. Don’t talk. Don’t judge. Just listen. Then, affirm them. 
11. Get off your phone, iPad, computer and live in the moment with your spouse, even if it’s just for 30 minutes in the evening. Show them what a priority they are to you.
12. Take a long drive together with the windows down. 
13. Make a playlist with all your favorite songs and dance together.
14. Take Pictures together….lots of them and not just on special occasions.
15. Watch a really funny movie and laugh together until your belly hurts.
16. Plan a weekend away together…just the 2 of you OR send your kids away with friends and family and have a staycation together alone at home.
17. Kiss longer.
18. Tell your spouse the top 3 things you love and respect most about about them.
19. Make sure you have a Living Will and have talked about your wishes in case the worst should happen…whether you are 20 or 60, it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give each other.
20. Pray together daily.

We certainly didn't have a perfect marriage. We struggled like anyone else. We had some ugly fights with each other. We had doubts and disappointments. We said things we didn't mean. But, at the end of the day, I always knew I was deeply loved and he knew the same. I am thankful for the peace I have knowing we had something special. Something that was unbreakable, even though we were both broken people. We were in it for the long haul and I'm certain we would be in Hawaii celebrating now.

I know my husband is gone, so it might seem easy for me to say these things now. Marriage is hard. It takes dedication, patience, selflessness, and effort. I think that is what makes it that much more beautiful when you come through the rough times and choose to love each other through it. Take time today to even just pick one thing from the list and then do it. Even if you don't want to. Even if you are mad as hell at your spouse. Even if they don't "deserve" it. You will never regret that you did. The next anniversary may come and one of you may no longer be here. Don't let a simple opportunity pass to make it matter!

The significance of 5 years

To say that 5 years ago my husband took his last breath on this earth and entered eternity in Heaven, seems mind-blowing. To me, 5 years...FIVE...just feels significant. It is a number that carries some weight. A benchmark, so to speak. In the medical world, you hear of 5 year survival rates. I know for our own family, getting to the 5 year cancer free mark for Cooper was hugely significant. I think of other big "5 year marks" that people refer to...like making it through the first 5 years of marriage and 5 years in recovery from addiction...these are milestones to be celebrated and hurdles of great victory!

I wish I could say 5 years since that day I said my final goodbye, I have felt something significant happen in my heart... something monumental to celebrate or like I have really overcome something. In some ways, I have certainly moved forward and have been able to accept the way that things have turned out. There are more happy moments and less sadness and time has absolutely been the biggest factor in that. However, I wouldn't say that the pain is any less or that I feel "cured" of the heartbreak. It has just become numbed with the passage of time. It's still real. Very real.

Life still feels hard. That's the bottom line. The tragedy that struck our family is still something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There are still constant reminders of what's missing...and well, honestly, it still hurts. It still doesn't feel "right." Every holiday, every "family event", every big decision, every celebration, every disappointment. Every last one of them still feels like it is supposed to be shared with Rod Cook.

Time has healed lots of wounds, but there are scars that will always be there. They remind me of what we have come through. Sometimes they elicit tears and other times joy at remembering what we had and getting to see the legacy he left.

I say none of this for pity or to make anyone ever feel sorry for us. That's honestly the last thing I want. I always want to be completely transparent and work so hard to teach my boys to speak truth, not just what you think someone wants to hear. It really sucks to lose your husband and father so unexpectedly, and that is the reality. There is no proper timeline for when you should be "over it" and as much as I would like to believe that sometimes, it's just not the truth. What I can say, is that we have tried to make the best of our "story", we have tried to rise above, we have tried to glorify God in our circumstances. Sometimes we do that well and other times we absolutely fail. But, we are trying. I am trying. One day at a time.

At the beach in the spring the year their dad died. Carson was writing "RC" in the sand

Most importantly, through it all, I feel so incredibly loved and held. God has fulfilled His promise to be near to my broken heart. He has carried me. He has given me a peace that is truly beyond any human understanding. I am so grateful for that. I have seen His tenderness in a personal way that I probably never would have otherwise. I have the blessing of a perspective that now soaks in the little things, because you never know what can happen. I have experienced true friendship and community in a more meaningful way, because I have had to let go of my stubbornness and let others help me, even when I absolutely don't want to.

The realization that no matter how hard I have tried to keep their dad's memory alive and fully present, the boys memories have faded with time...THIS has probably been one of the most difficult things for me to accept. Cooper is almost the age that Carson was when his dad died. He has now experienced more life without his dad than with him in it. He has very few memories. That is heartbreaking to me. I found this picture that my sister took of Cooper sleeping early in the morning on the day of his dad's funeral. He looks like such a baby to me. He was sleeping so peacefully and had no way to grasp what that day and the days ahead would mean for him.

So, today is a benchmark, I suppose. Five years sometimes still feels like yesterday. I'm thankful to have been loved and given the gift of these 3 boys, by someone so extraordinary. My hope is still in Christ's promises. I will always remember, but I will continue to look ahead to the chapters He still has to write in our book. 

I am truly thankful for the village of people who continue to remember Rod Cook ("Bunky" to many of those) and to those who have come into our lives even after, but still support and love us so well. He would be amazed and thankful for the kindness shown to his family. I can't tell you in words what it means to us and how it has carried us for the last 5 years. God is so, so good! He truly is a Father to the Fatherless and I believe my boys already know that in a way that is real, because of the goodness shown to them by the hands and feet of Jesus.