Grief is unpredictable. I have been in a place of anger the last few weeks. Anger about our new reality. Anger about why this has happened. Anger at others for not realizing what they have. Anger about what has come. Anger about what has gone. Anger as I think about our future. These feelings have been intense, and somehow seem more "acceptable" to me than letting myself be sad.
I think for most of my life, I have done a good job at controlling my emotions. When I don't want to feel sad, well, I just tell myself to not feel sad…and bam, it's like a light switch. No more sadness. If I need to stay calm and rational in the midst of traumatic situations, the switch gets flipped, and you guessed it…I'm as cool as a cucumber (probably a good thing with 3 boys). Some might see this as a blessing, a gift. As I have walked through several trials in my life, I am realizing that it is really a curse. Sure, there are situations that this is an advantage. However, when working through grief; not so much.
You see, when working through grief, it is imperative that you let yourself feel and that you are in touch with those feelings. Whether it's letting yourself sit in sadness or allowing yourself to be mad. Really, really mad. If you are too quick to turn it off or run from it…it will find it's way back to you. And if it is unresolved, then watch out…down the road the real issues will come.
As I am ever so aware of my anger, I know that other emotions will come and go. My fear of feeling those emotions in their deepest form, creeps in. I will let myself feel, no matter how ugly that gets. God designed us to experience great emotion. It truly is a gift from Him. There are so many examples in the Bible of deep emotion and feelings. Whether it was David in the Psalms, singing for joy, or Job expressing his sorrow.
The beauty of healing comes as I let myself really feel. I am letting go of expectations I have on myself about what this is "supposed" to look like. Raw emotion, regardless of how that looks, is what I am resigning to.
I realize there are a lot of people who think it's time to move on, and for the worlds of most of those around me, it has. It moved on months ago. That's okay. It's expected. And, if you are wondering…yes, I am angry about that too. I'm not angry at any person, just at the circumstances. So, as far as the world moving on…just don't expect the same for me. My world seemed to stop 6 1/2 months ago, while the world around me went on. My world is playing "catch up" with my reality. The world as I know it will never be the same again. It will move at a different pace now.
Regardless of how different my world looks and will proceed to function, I am thankful that there is a God who is big enough and can handle my discrepancy with the rest of the world. And, by the way, He is big enough to handle my anger and all my emotions too.
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
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