Half

It is so hard to believe that today it has been 6 months since He's been gone. Half a year. Some days that feels indescribably real and harsh. Most days it still doesn't seem real at all. A new year on the calendar comes with sorrow and hope. Sorrow,  as it is difficult to close the door on 2013…the last "year" my Bunky was on this earth with me. Hope, as we move forward, trusting God to heal our broken hearts.

So, as I think about my life in the half of a year since his death, I'm keenly aware of many things that now fill my reality.

Half of my heart has been missing since July 3rd, 2013. Half of the bed remains empty each night. Half of the conversations once had on a daily basis, have been silenced. Half of our amazing parenting "team" is gone, and I face those challenges alone. Half of the noise that once filled this house, has been quieted. Half of the food is not eaten, and groceries cost less. Half of the driveway is now open, without a second car. Half of what was our normal laundry, no longer needs washing (oh, what I would give to wash all those clothes….even though it used to infuriate me when clean clothes somehow ended up in the dirty, just because he didn't want to hang them back up). Half the money spent at Sonic buying only my Diet Vanilla Coke, without his Diet Cherry Coke added to the order. Half of my thoughts are filled with guilt over what I should have done differently each day, to love him better.

Half of who I am died with him 6 months ago today. I miss him more than words can say. 

I read something tonight that was written by C.S. Lewis after he lost his wife, that really resonated with me. I think this analogy is what I will use to explain to someone who asks me how long will my grief last.

"In one sense, your grief will always be with you. Losing a spouse is like having your leg amputated. You don't get over an amputated leg. The wound may heal, but the leg will never grow back. You'll always have that absence in your life, and you'll never walk the same again." 
-C.S. Lewis

Isaiah 54:10
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of PEACE be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.