Father & Son Bowl 2014

Today was one of those days that felt extremely hard. So hard that I unconsciously broke away from the moment several times. It's difficult to explain, but sometimes I cope by unplugging myself from the reality of my situation. It is almost like I am outside of myself, hovering above, watching what is going on. I can hardly remember my conversations with people, even though I know I had them. It's enough to make me question if I am really crazy. I know I am not. I know it is part of experiencing loss and grief. Still, it can make you scratch your head, wondering if you were really even present.

Father & Son Bowl, which is an amazing event for boys and dads or "father figures" in their lives, is put on each year by a local church in Franklin. Bunky absolutely loved it! After all, he loved football, his boys, and being around friends…so this was a perfect venue for just that. There has even been mud involved, which only adds to the element of FUN! The pictures below are from the last 2 years with Carson and Colby at F/S Bowl.

Today was that day. Just the mere name "Father & Son" mentioned in combination with each other has felt like a dagger right in the heart to me and to Carson, especially. The same dads and sons who have always played together in years past, played again together today. They included my boys, knowing it might be difficult for them, yet wanting them to have the opportunity if they so chose. I'm thankful and sad at the same time. 

For weeks, Carson has debated about whether he would want to play. Many tears and talks have transpired between us. It was laid out there. No pressure. No disappointments if he chose not to. He finally decided last night that he would do it. I'm so glad he did and I'm proud of him for pressing through, but would have totally understood if he didn't. Cooper got to play this year for the first time. All I could think about was what a blast Bunky would have had with all 3 of them on the field. He would have conspired for weeks about strategies and game plans with them…I can hear it as clearly as if he were standing right here next to me. 

So, I watched. I smiled. I even laughed at times. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't aware of my deep longing for him to be there. My heart just ached. I was enthralled with an "angry sadness" that I buried somewhere inside for the duration of the game. Watching these dads with their boys is just hard sometimes. I wanted to get in the car and just bawl my eyes out, but I didn't. It would have ruined their moment of enjoying it. I love these people God has placed in our lives and I'm thankful for the wonderful fathers they are to their boys. They love their sons, just like Bunky loved his. They have extended that love to my boys…not to even try to fill Bunky's shoes, because they know that is impossible, but to offer something that I can't as a mom. What a gift!