It's Not Just What I Lost…It's What I Never Had.

I'm realizing that my daily experiences are constant reminders of not only what I lost, but what I never had. I realize this truth quite often, usually several times throughout the day. There is grief over what I lost, but also what I never had and never will have. For example, not only did I lose my parenting partner, I never had a chance to hear his insight on how we would handle certain issues if they arose with our kids. The big things…yes…we talked about them. I feel pretty sure I know how he would deal with most things and I know how I would like to. BUT, some of the smaller things, things I am probably not even supposed to be aware of yet at this stage in parenting, I'm not so sure about. I never had the opportunity to fulfill our dream of taking the boys to Disney together. I never had the opportunity to tell him some of the things I would have liked to tell him. Even simple things I never had him do, like him showing me all of his amazing techniques to teach and coach kids in the game of baseball. Why would I have needed him to do that? That was HIS thing…HIS passion, and I loved seeing him "in action."

Cooper and his dad working on hitting the ball off the tee early last spring.

I believe that's the reason this past weekend was so difficult for me. Cooper, my youngest, started baseball for the first time. He has lived on the baseball fields since birth, practically. It started in a stroller and then on to the fun age of running everywhere…even into the dugout or onto the field, when my attention was distracted in the moment. Needless to say, Coop has been around baseball A LOT! His dad started teaching him a few things last spring in the back yard, but didn't go into too much. I remember him saying, "I will work with Cooper next spring and he'll be ready." Little did I know then, that this would be the only opportunity Cooper had to experience his dad's love of baseball and gift of coaching it…

"next spring" will not come for his dad.

Cooper ready for his first practice!

So, I watched as Cooper seemed a little lost out on the field with boys who had already played for a season or two. Many of them had their dads there to help coach and work with the boys on the field. (Side note…it really does take an army of assistant coaches at the 6 and under level). It stirred up so much within me. It simply made me so sad.

 

 Being there seemed foreign in so many ways. I'm not used to being at practices for baseball…I never really had to. Cooper and I showed up for the games to cheer his dad and brothers on. I made sure bat bags were ready, water bottles were filled, snacks were packed, and uniforms were washed. Anything more than that was his territory and I was happy to let him be in his element. So, there I was, watching my little boy try to do his best without any direction from his dad, who would have loved every minute of this opportunity. I think he is on a great team with wonderful coaches…I just wish his dad were one of them!

One of the Dodger teams Rod coached. Some of these boys played for him for years! 

Coaching Colby's Ranger team. This was Colby's first year to play.  These guys were 4 and 5 years old!

Carson and Colby with their dad after Colby's team won the championship

It's funny the things I know I will miss…sunflower seed shells everywhere…the ones I used to complain about, that were literally ALL over the house and cars! I'm going to miss his stinky jerseys, the sweat-lined ball caps, the clipboards with plays and line-ups, the thousands of sticky notes with thoughts that came to mind and strategies for the next game, empty gatorade bottles everywhere, and the red dirt that covered every square inch of our house, when he insisted the boys take their cleats off outside, but he never would! I will miss buckets of baseballs consuming a good portion of the trunk. I'm going to miss listening to him talk about ways he could incorporate teaching this character trait or that life lesson in a practice. One of the last things he said to me was the night after he had coached 2 all-star games that day…"Missy, I absolutely LOVE coaching these boys. I would do this full time if I could get paid for it and support us…it is my dream job!" He really meant that. There is something comforting knowing that was one of the last things he was thinking about before he went to bed that night and never woke up again. Baseball made him happy. Really happy. I'm smiling to know it was one of the last things on his mind. And I'm sad that he will not be here to enjoy his last son learning the game he loved so much.

Carson with his dad- Bombers 2013

Colby with his dad- Rockies- 2013