I still feel like he will walk through the doors sometimes. I wash my hands, and I still feel the shock of thinking I lost my wedding ring. Then, I remember, it is no longer on my hand, and I feel overcome with sadness. I still listen to the last voice message he left me, just so I can hear his voice. I sometimes wonder if these things will feel less intense with time. Honestly, I am not sure if I want them to. Oddly, there is something comforting in the vividness of these kind of moments. Almost as if I feel his presence more keenly, even in the midst of the painful sting.
I have avoided doing certain things until the right moment. One of those things is going back and reading what I wrote in my journal in those first hours and days of what turned our whole world upside down. For some reason, I decided to go back and read what I wrote in those first twenty four hours after we got to the hospital.
I basically wrote about the unimaginable shock I was feeling. How surreal this was. How numb and confused I felt. I cried out to God and wrote these words:
"Father God, please make him whole. Thank you for sparing his life. Please blow everyone's mind with your healing power. I believe you can and will do that."
I read that now and it stirs up a lot of emotion in me. I feel anger. I feel bitterness and disappointment at the outcome. I feel so much pain. I question so many things about the God I grew up believing in. I feel unheard and abandoned. I feel guilt and shame because I am here and he is not. I feel sorrow beyond what any words can explain. And…get ready... I feel loved. Yes, I know that seems conflicting, but I do feel loved. Loved deeply by God.
I also wrote down Isaiah 54:10, that very night in my journal. which is one of my favorite scriptures:
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed; yet my unfailing LOVE for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed, says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
The "mountains" in my world were definitely shaken, my husband was removed. My prayers and those of so many were not answered the way I wanted. Yet, through all of it I was held in the compassionate arms of a God who will not leave or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6). His presence is still ever so close, carrying me even when I don't realize I will need it. He is near to my broken heart (Psalm 34:18), even when I want to flip him the "bird" and scream "WHY?" I have hope because of HIS promises to me, even though my life feels shattered into a million pieces and I don't want to begin picking them up, because I know nothing will ever be the same again. I will cling to what I believe in my heart to be true.
Revelation 21:5
"He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new'. And He said, 'Write, for these words are faithful and true.'"
Today is 8 months. There is something in the "grief world" called the "6 month phenomenon", which is said to typically occur sometime between the 4th and 9th month. Basically, it is a resurgence of a lot of the grief and emotions experienced in the very beginning, that after a period of time, come rushing back. Our brains, especially after sudden, traumatic loss, are just coming out of the "fog" and really starting to process what has happened and the reality of it's impact. I'm there folks. It is real. Thanks for being a part of my outlet. Thank you most of all for not forgetting to pray for the boys and I daily. I truly cannot tell you how that comforts us. And, if reading this is getting old, then you may want to find a blog about something else, because this is part of the healing process for me. I appreciate those who are coming along for the ride.
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