White as Snow

Triggers…even the most unsuspecting and happiest events can trigger memories that leave me feeling like I took two gigantic steps backward. I have been so aware of the absence of Bunky over the last few days, while the boys have been out of school enjoying the snow (with a whole lot of ice mixed in).

Snow days.


Such GREAT memories here on 227 Chester Stevens Road from snow days in the past. We have such an awesome hill right behind our yard that is in a common area, and runs right down into two ponds below. It's really gorgeous. The view from the back of our home, was actually one of the biggest selling points to Bunky when we were looking at the house. It is private and has a gorgeous view year-round.

It makes for some wonderful sledding too! In fact, MANY from the neighborhood make their way to "our hill" when it snows, for some super sledding fun. We have even had friends drive in hazardous conditions from the other side of town, just to come and sled with us.

What snow days in the past have looked like for us…

The boys and their dad would spend hours playing outdoors with other neighbors. I would join them and sled some too, but my main duty was to make sure there was plenty of homemade hot chocolate and treats, ready when everyone came in to warm up and dry out. A job I was just fine to embrace, I might add. Although, I will say that I do love a good sledding hill. *Side note...The adventurous part in me comes out when I have an opportunity to sled or ride a roller coaster!

As a married couple and as parents, there are just certain roles you inadvertently take on, in every situation. So many times these aren't even spoken or are just natural and adapted over time. The way I used to enjoy watching their daddy out the window, play for hours in the snow with his boys. Building snowmen. Sledding, sledding, and more sledding. My fulfillment in bundling everyone up and then helping them get it all back off again (a process that could take as much time as the sledding itself). Board games around the table. Homemade hot cocoa with whip cream on top. Family snow ball fights. Having neighbors and friends stay for hours, until frozen fingers and toes just couldn't take it anymore.  Then, having them stay for hours more just to thaw out. Oh, and I was in charge of taking lots and lots of pictures. When 1/2 of the equation is no longer here, the realness creeps in and sucks the breath out of me. I try to adjust and focus on what I am thankful for in the midst of it. I will forever be thankful for the amazing memories we have already made and also the ones that are to come.

This year it just feels lonely. I struggle to make myself take on all the "snow day" roles well. I feel exhausted. Worn down. Not very fun. I try to make all the pieces work, but come up short because a huge part of the fun, a huge part of the team, is missing. The first day they wanted to go out and sled, I found myself choking back tears at the thought. I wasn't expecting it. Grief has a funny way of sneaking up on you in the least suspecting moments and taking your breath away. Again, thankfulness, is truly vital to how quickly I can go from feeling angry and sorry for myself or moving forward. So many times I don't do thankfulness well…but I am trying.

I definitely did more "outdoor roles" than typical, but tried to be true to my traditions. Thankfully, others stepped up and stepped in. Never taking the place of, but softening the blow, even just a little. For that I am grateful and I don't even know if they realize how they filled a gap for me, but I am thankful.

This picture was from 2010 and probably our last opportunity for a family picture with a really good snow. Snow days will always feel different, but all I can think about is the beauty of the white snow. What beauty can compare to the way Jesus' blood washes us "white as snow." This is a promise I cling to and can feel hopeful for.

Isaiah 1:18