Forsaken

Forsaken: to be abandoned or deserted.

There have been a few times in my life that I can honestly say I have felt "forsaken." I know God is with me in my heart, but in my head He has "left the building." He is there, yet so far away. So out of reach. Typically, those are times when hard stuff is especially hard. I feel like saying, "Really, God,…you are dumping this in my lap, then running away?" It's not that I don't know He loves me. I know that. "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so,"right? I know, I am sounding a little sarcastic. I really do know that He loves me. It can just sometimes be very lonely in the midst of heartbreak. At the lowest points, hope seems gone. When I am left feeling deserted, abandoned, forsaken.

This week has been one of those. Within a one week period, I have experienced sadness and heartbreak with all three of my boys over losing their dad. Cooper's vocabulary word for the week was "vanished." He went to his teacher and said, "my daddy vanished after he had a heart attack." We talked later that night about it and he said he just missed him so much. Then, Colby, who rarely talks about it at all shared with me how he wished his dad was still here to wrestle with. Followed by, "I'm so glad we will get to see him in Heaven one day, but I wish he was here to play with me." Finally, Carson has shed many tears and says things all the time like, "I wish I could just have one more day with dad" and "I hope you don't die, mom." Tonight he said, "sometimes I just feel so broken." My 10 year old…a 10 year old boy shouldn't be worrying about losing a 2nd parent or expressing his brokenness. These are moments I can feel at a loss for words. The breath knocked out of me. There really are no "right" words. I try to use these moments to point them to Christ…a Father to the Fatherless. Then, I stop and think to myself, "But God, you allowed him to die…how could you leave me with three little boys to answer these kind of questions"...These are moments I feel forsaken.

Then, I realize He promises to never leave or forsake me. I realize that the same God who allowed His son to die on the cross, may very well allow my husband or anyone, for that matter, to die for His greater plan and purpose. To bring glory unto Himself. Tonight, as I thought about the sacrifice that Christ made on the cross, I realize I have nothing to feel forsaken about. Nothing. Jesus felt forsaken by His father. He was for a moment, as the sin of the world was nailed to the cross with His Son. Praise God, on the third day, Christ conquered death. He is risen, He is risen, indeed! So, when I start to feel abandoned. When I start to feel forsaken. I will choose to remember what the One, who truly was forsaken, did for me and the victory over the grave. If He conquered death for me, then He will be faithful to redeem the brokenness and heartache that we experience. He does love us that much. He never has forsaken me and He never will.