Wrestling

I've been wrestling with God more often lately. Wrestling with the "why's." Feeling a heaviness that could consume me at any given moment if I let it. I see how God is working in my own heart to show me broken places. Some that were there long before July 3, 2013. I'm not sure what He wants to do in or through me, but I am certain He will not let go until it's accomplished. While I have done a marvelous job my whole life, of putting up the walls and disconnecting when necessary, I am realizing that won't cut it this time.

I am entering, what I feel like, is a more intensive time in therapy. I am learning more about who I am, where I want to go, and how to get there. One step at a time. All while just beginning to really allow myself to experience my emotion. It is scary. I am vulnerable. It is like my head is in a fog again…similar to how I felt in those first few weeks after Rod went to be with Jesus. I have a hard time thinking past tomorrow. It is simply just too overwhelming right now.

For some reason, I want to put some kind of unrealistic expectation on myself…some time frame that is "reasonable" to start feeling like I am really living again. What I am beginning to realize, is that the more the world tends to go on around me (which it has for a while), the more I feel the weight or burden to make myself do the same thing. Then, I remember, my world has been shattered. Unfortunately, I cannot glue all the shattered pieces back together to make it like it once was. He is gone, and without him in my world, it will never ever be the same again. So, in a sense, it's like starting completely over. That is going to take some time. Probably a long time. I am aware of that, even though it's as if I am taking steps backwards in slow motion some days. My prayer is that I will truly begin to comprehend the height, depth, and length of Christ's love for me right in the midst of my suffering. Right in the midst of my brokenness. Right in the midst of the days I don't want to rebuild, but have no other choice.

An update on the boys:
They are doing well, overall. They each still can have their moments. Colby is the least verbal, but will talk briefly about how he is doing when I intentionally ask him to. Cooper has been talking about his dad fairly frequently lately. He likes to draw pictures of him and tell stories about his daddy. He is very interested in Heaven and what dad is doing up there. Sadly, he is also concerned about what will happen if mommy dies too and needs to be reassured often. He loves his Kindergarten teacher and feels very open to talk about his dad with her. Carson is doing well. He processes all of it more on an adult level and his maturity is far beyond his years. He cries (but not as often) and talks about his dad daily, I have NO doubt he will allow God to use this tragedy in his life to deepen his character. They are still in counseling, though Colby and Cooper will be finishing soon. Carson will continue going every other week, most likely until school starts in the fall. We are busy with baseball most nights of the week and on weekends. All of them are doing well in school, however, we have decided it will be best for Cooper to repeat Kindergarten next year. I know their daddy would be so proud of each of them. I still find it hard to believe he's not here, as they close out another school year.

Psalm 107: 28-31