10 months

Yesterday was 10 months. Something about entering in to the "double digits" time frame of when I said goodbye feels so surreal. The year mark is upon us. It is just around the corner. This time 10 months ago, we were doing what we are doing now…baseball…just without him. School is winding down. The anticipation of summer is palpable. Time is moving quickly.

I was cleaning out the garage today and found some old play books and clipboards he used with his baseball team this past year. He spent hours at the kitchen table scratching notes and thinking through lineups. I remember how it sometimes irritated me, because he would be completely engrossed in preparing for the game, long after the boys were in bed. Preparing not only to teach the fundamentals of baseball, but also preparing to tie that in with something bigger about life. It was his passion. It makes me smile to think about it now. Always a coach, in every sense of the word. It is difficult these days to find coaches who truly care that much, so it just fills me with pride to know that he did. I see the benefit of that played out after the fact. Boys he coached go out of their way to come up and say hello and see how I am doing. They love to talk about his impact on their life and share stories of Coach Rod. He made a mark on them that extended far beyond baseball. That is exactly what he always hoped he would do. No doubt about it…he did.

So, as far as how we are doing. It is so day to day. I still feel like I've lost a limb and am trying to navigate how to make myself function without it. It's a constant awareness of what is gone that grasps me tighter than I can put into words. Everything is the same, yet very different. Loneliness is real and sometimes just feels so intense. Even when I'm surrounded by people close to me, including my kids…a huge loneliness exists, that was only filled by his presence in my life. I'm also completely aware of Christ's tender love for my broken heart. I am desperate for Him in ways like never before in my life. I am choosing JOY in the midst of brokenness and sorrow. I may not always "look" joyful, but I'm believing God is the hope in front of me that will satisfy my every need and sustain me on the days I just want to shut it all out.

It's hard to look forward right now. As I think about summer and the approaching 1 year mark, well…I honestly can't catch my breath. It truly feels overwhelming and hard to breathe. I am trying to focus on the day in front of me. What God wants to teach me in those moments. I want to be open and listen, rather than be so consumed with grief that I can't hear what He may want to say to me. I am planning something cool to remember him. I haven't worked all the details out in my head, but I will. I want to remember and honor the amazing man that Rod Cook was. I'm so thankful for so many in my life who haven't forgotten and continue to love the boys and I well.