Mother's Day

Mother's day has always been quite bittersweet for me. Losing my mom to cancer as an 8 year old made it a difficult holiday. I remember special activities or days with mom at school feeling awkward and uncomfortable, as I knew of no one else in my shoes. I remember feeling sad and even embarrassed that I didn't have my mom here on this earth, like everyone else I knew. I never knew quite how to talk about it, so I didn't much. I would have just as soon skipped Mother's Day altogether. My dad remarried Anita a while later, which I am thankful for. I feel especially blessed to have her in my life. There were times I couldn't see what an amazing job Anita did of mothering me, because of my own bitterness. She is a gift and loved deeply. I see now how well she loved and cared for me, yet respected my need to honor the relationship I lost with my own mom, and the hurt that sometimes came out sideways with that.

I remember for the first three years of our marriage, before kids, Bunky being ever so mindful of the sting Mother's Day carried for me. He said to me, "One day when we have kids, this day will have a new meaning to you, and that's going to be so great." I remember those words so clearly, as we sat in a pew at Calvary Baptist Church on a Mother's Day, in Tuscaloosa, AL.

I remember the Mother's Day after we lost our first baby to a miscarriage at 12 weeks. We were devastated. I remember feeling like this baby had been ripped away from us so suddenly, as we had already heard and seen a strong heartbeat. We were so thrilled at the thought of becoming parents and Bunky had already started making a list of girls and boys names to consider. It was so unexpected. Dreams and plans shattered in an instant. Out of nowhere.

 This was the beginning of many challenges that would come our way. These were the kind of things…the really hard things that God would bring us through together and build the strong foundation we would need for life that was yet to come. We just didn't know that then. But really, you don't ever know in the midst of those moments. It's not until later that you can begin to see glimpses of God's work in your circumstances. That Mother's Day, he gave me a necklace, made to resemble a mother with her baby that was yet to be born.

Since then, God has blessed me with my 3 sons. I love each of them with a love I never thought imaginable. They are each unique in their own way. Each a gift. Bunky was right...Mother's Day holds new meaning for me now. I give thanks that I was entrusted with these boys. They are my joy. They keep their dad's spirit alive and are a precious reminder of the unconditional and beautiful love I shared with him. They give me something to celebrate, and for that I am so grateful.

Mother's Day 2014 is another first, nonetheless. With younger children, it is typically dad who encourages and plans for making mom feel special. I realize how special I feel, despite his absence. My boys remind me daily of why being their mom is my most important job, and they do it without saying a word. Still, I will miss how Bunky went out of his way to treat me like a queen on Mother's Day. He made sure I felt loved and appreciated. He made sure that Mother's Day was not a dreaded day, as it had been for many years of my life.

I can genuinely say we appreciated each other's roles as parents to our children. Something about hearing the words, "You do an amazing job as their mom," meant something more coming from him. It just validated my worth as a mom to know my husband and their dad, gave his sincere appreciation for what I do with the children we share. So, I will miss hearing that from him this year. I will miss the extra special things from him on that day. But more than anything, I will just miss him. I know my boys love me and appreciate me and that is really what it is all about, but he was the one who was my biggest support in that role. The one whose opinion mattered the most to me. I certainly don't feel as adequate in my role as mom without him here and I'm certain I couldn't make it without all my friends and family coming alongside me and lifting me up…especially over these last 10 months.

My heart also goes out to Bunky's mom, as she goes through her first Mother's Day without her only son. I can only imagine the ache and pain that she feels as a mom, especially on Mother's Day this year. She loves her grandsons dearly, and I pray that they will be a source of comfort and joy to her for years to come, knowing that they carry on their daddy's legacy.