Bruised- The beginning of God's new story

"Combat comes before victory. If God has chosen special trials for you to endure, be assured he has kept a very special place in His heart just for you. A badly bruised soul, is one who is chosen." - L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert.

Today marks the day that it all began 1 year ago. The series of events that forever changed everything from that moment moving forward into what I thought my future would look like. I have felt a great need to have some time alone…only with God. So, graciously, a friend took the boys for a couple of nights, to allow me to do just that. My counselor recommended I do this and she was right. It has been a gift.

I realize how for so many months, I have had to be "on" as a mom. This doesn't mean I couldn't be upset, angry, or show any emotion. It just means I had to contain it to a certain degree. My boys worry about me. Carson is especially perceptive and gets concerned easily about how I'm doing. I have probably perpetuated that, as I am a master at keeping it together most of the time. So, a "respite" at home is exactly what my soul needed.

The summer has felt intense, particularly. There are really no breaks from all of the boys at the same time. One or two may be at camp or a playdate, but typically not all 3 are gone at the same time, as they are when school is going on. So, I have felt heaviness and sadness stirring within me, that often comes out sideways. They are out of routine. Bedtimes are later. All making for a not-so-great combination for this exhausted and lonely mama, who is desperately missing her husband, and weary from doing it alone.

I know the next few days will be difficult. I would covet your prayers, as I am having a hard time sleeping. Lots of flashbacks. Lots of emotion. God is faithful and I am loving some one on one time with Him. It is like a big hug. You know how you can think you are fine? Then, the moment that particular someone hugs you…the floodgates open and the emotions come barreling out. Something about that "hug" from my Heavenly Father reminds me of how much He cares for me and that it is okay to let it all out. To be vulnerable. To cry so hard that my bones hurt. I am resting in a great big hug from Him right now, and as the quote above says (which I love, by the way), I'm believing that "He has a special place in His heart for ME." He sees that I am badly bruised, and tenderly cares for my every need.

God chose this road for our family, one year ago today. I will probably never understand why. I can only hope that my response to His plan is one that brings glory.

Some days I know it doesn't, and I give myself grace for that. But, today I give Him all glory and honor and praise!

I love you, Bunky, and miss you more with each passing day.