The Scars

Just a "heads up," if you haven't already figured it out…writing is therapeutic for me. These next few days feel heavy. There is a lot stirred up in me as I remember, too specifically at times, what transpired over these days between late Saturday/early Sunday until the time Rod was taken off of life support on that Wednesday morning a year ago. Therefore, I may post more than normal. Bear with me or stop reading if you wish.

I picked the boys up today, after they were at a friend's house for 2 nights. I missed them a lot and it was good to have them home. However, I realized quickly that I am still very "edgy" with them, and just feel extremely depleted emotionally. I hate feeling like this. It makes me feel inadequate as a mom when I feel such a lack of control with my emotions. After all, I have done a pretty decent job of keeping it together for almost a year now.

I am continuing to pray for wisdom and a sense of peace to wash over me. I had always hoped I would be in a better place by this time. That somehow I would boldly walk through these days, with such a sense of hope and gracefulness. Instead, I feel myself slipping backwards emotionally. I feel more lost and unsure than ever. Then, I remember…there is no certain way this should look. Whatever perceptions or expectations I have of myself should just be thrown out the window. Grief is unpredictable and takes sudden, crazy turns. Loss of any kind is painful. It comes with both the predictable and unpredictable moments of sadness.

Tonight I am reminded to BE. STILL. Just be still, Missy. It sounds so easy, yet it is one of the MOST difficult things for me to do. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I am God." He wants me to be still, because when I am "still" with my thoughts, emotions, and all the expectations I conjure up in my head…HE is able to come in and fill me with the only voice I need to hear...HIS. His voice is truth. His voice tells me that He is good and faithful, even when the circumstances are hard. His voice reminds me that He is near to my broken heart and will never leave me. When I allow myself to really hear His voice, I am filled with strength and peace like no other to face the days ahead.

Interestingly, I was reading a book to Colby at the counselor's office last week, as we waited on Carson to finish his session. He picked it up because it had a tree on it and he thought it might be a children's book. It was called The Tree That Survived Winter. I had never heard of it, but it was beautiful and so full of truth and metaphors that aligned with my story. One line in particular caught my attention and I read it over and over. (see below) The entire story is of a tree who had to go through the winter and basically felt forsaken by the sun in those cold, hard months. But the tree realized quickly as she blossomed and bloomed and was stronger, that surviving the winter shaped her into this beautiful, strong, resilient tree. I love this! I want to be grateful for the scars one day. I want God to use those scars to produce an unspeakable solidarity in Christ within me. And I pray that I will.



"Profoundly humbled, the tree bent low, grateful for the obvious gifts she had to share, but even more grateful for the less obvious- the scars that produced an unspeakable solidarity." - Mary Fahy, The Tree That Survived the Winter.