Finding Gratefulness in Sudden Loss

Choosing to be grateful. It seems like being grateful or thankful for something shouldn't have to be a "choice." If you are blessed with something to be thankful for, then shouldn't you just be overflowing with gratitude, rather than needing to willfully choose it?

I spoke with my grandfather the other day to wish my grandmother a "Happy Birthday." She turned 88 years old. I couldn't wish her a happy birthday myself, as she is in the final stages of Alzheimer's disease. And what a horrible disease that is! All the same, I wanted to make sure HE knew I was thinking about her on that important day.

My grandpa is an incredibly loving and devoted husband to his wife. He has patience like I have never seen. I admire him for his unwavering strength and ability to stay by her side, even though the woman he married all those years ago, is not "with" him, as she once was. She hasn't been for a while now. Yet, he is there with her day after day, in the facility which cares for her. In their "home." I have no doubt, that even though she may never speak it, she somehow knows he is there. He has not left her side. And I can only imagine it must bring her comfort. Still, it breaks his heart to the core, but he chooses to be by her side, just as he promised.

Bunky and I went to Ohio to visit them about 2 months before his death. It was the first time my grammy didn't know who I was. She looked at me so puzzled and with such a blank stare when I approached her in the hall. She really didn't speak much to me at all. To say it was hard, would be an understatement.

I remember the 2 nights Bunky and I were in town very vividly. Bunky spent a lot of time with my grandfather, while I sat with grammy. Then, we would go back to our hotel at night and talk for hours. This visit spurred lots of discussions for us about the end of life, sacrifice and unconditional love in a marriage, and what we wanted things to look like for us as we aged. We talked about how difficult this must be for my grandfather to endure day after day. Bunky had immense respect for my grandfather, and talked a lot about how completely and unselfishly he loved my grandmother. I took this picture, without them knowing, when we were all just sitting in the room visiting one afternoon. What a beautiful representation of unconditional love.

Little did I know that I would hold my own husband's hand for the last time, just less than 3 months later, as he laid unconscious in a hospital bed. I can still remember the way his hand felt holding mine. What I wouldn't give to feel that even one more time. But, oh how grateful I am that his was the hand I held for over 17 years, while dating and then while married.

 
As much as sudden loss is an indescribably horrible event to experience, I find myself grateful that I or Bunky did not have to go through what my grandfather is going through now. To suddenly and so tragically lose one you love carries a multitude of feelings that hit you in the face. The shock in and of itself, can be paralyzing. There are days that the darkness, loneliness, and pain are so excruciating that I don't know how I can possibly move forward. The regret of things I wish I would have done differently or better sometimes weighs heavy. Then, there are days (and I am finding they are coming more often), that I experience great joy and comfort in the realization of what I was blessed with. Memories of sweet talks, like when we visited my grandparents, come flooding back…and I smile.

After talking with my grandfather, I really thought about how there are reasons to be grateful, even in my loss. Even though it happened so suddenly, and sent my "train" abruptly down an unfamiliar and unexpected track. I knew that Bunky loved me and he knew that I loved him. I have absolutely no doubt in that. I know that I will see him again. I have no question about that. During our final days with each other, we were fully aware of each other. We were fully engaged with each other. We fully understood who the other was in our life.

I think my grandfather would agree…that was a gift. One I will always choose to be thankful for.