Saturday, March 26, 2016

A Distracted Easter

This Easter has felt different to me. At the very core, I will just be honest and say that it has felt like something I want to rush through. I've been distracted. I haven't done what I would normally do this time of year. Things like reflecting more on lent and preparing my heart for the single-most important event for those who follow Christ. I haven't cared about what we would wear to church (not that it matters, and I did pull some things together at the last minute). Quite frankly, there was a big part of me that didn't even care if we went to church. I haven't talked with my kids about Christ's death and resurrection and what that means to me regularly. I haven't done the "Resurrection Eggs" and the 40 days of devotions that I normally do.

And you know what, I haven't really felt that much guilt over it either. Why? Because I just haven't let myself. I have filled every inch of brain space with some distraction....any distraction. Some good and most not so good. I think I have just wanted to coast through and come out on the other side.

As I tried to really grasp why I have been like this...because it does bother me, when I really stop and let myself think about it. I mean, what kind of Christian wouldn't care about Easter and what kind of "good mom" wouldn't impress these things upon her children? My "should do's" have not been in line with my "want to's" and that causes some controversy in my soul. Controversy that has felt easier to just push aside, instead of digging deeper about the whys.

My head knows how I need to celebrate Easter, but my heart has been resisting. Satan is absolutely loving it and I have pretty much let him have a big ole bunking party in my head, as he continues to remind me of the brokenness, loss, bitterness, and self-pity going on in my life. I mean, I was honestly pissed that I put on a dress, make-up, and wore jewelry and not ONE of my boys even commented. I don't really expect them to, after all, they are 12, 10, and 7 year old boys, for crying out loud. But, nonetheless, I pouted, in that moment, about the fact that no one was there to notice I wasn't wearing black sweat pants, a sweatshirt, and that I had actually put on make-up! I was grouchy because it took me 5 minutes to fasten my necklace, and all I wanted was my husband there to do it. I didn't want to walk into church, because it sucks to not have your spouse beside you. (That is actually true every Sunday, but especially on holidays).

And now I sit here and realize my distraction by such surface, minuscule, and unimportant events. I'm aware of the expectations. I refuse to let Satan suffocate me in shame because of it. But in this very moment, I just want to fall on my face and rejoice that He is risen, indeed! It's not about church or resurrection egg traditions, or what you gave up for lent. It's not about having the right outfits, easter eggs, or even having your family together. And even when this "Christian mom" isn't on her game, He reminds me that despite all of my distractions....He still did what He did for ME and I can now live in that hope EVERY SINGLE DAY....even with no make-up and sweat pants on.

He is Risen! That holds more meaning for me than ever before. Don't let distractions get in the way of drilling down to the heart of Easter. The resurrection is real and something we all should spend our lives being grateful for and rejoicing because of...not just on Easter day!