A decade has passed. I'm not sure how, but it has. So many life events, pivotal moments, and changes have happened. Yet, somehow, certain things feel the same. It's really hard to capture it in words. More than anything it is a sacred, unspoken space that still exists within me. Sometimes, that space holds joy and laughter with everyday thoughts and memories of my own or that come when someone shares a story of him. Other times that space is filled with pain and longing for his presence...the "you should be here for this" moments, the "if only I could have one more day" moments, the "your boys need you" moments.
I've done a lot of reflecting over the last few days. All the events that lead up to when my Bunky was taken from this earth. Something about this 10 year mark has weighed extra heavy.
I kept a journal at the hospital that I would write things in during those few days that we waited for the doctors to tell us what we already knew. I went back and read some of it.
"I feel like this is a nightmare and I just need to wake up"
"This can't be happening...please God, NO!"
"My mind knows it, but my heart doesn't want to believe it"
"I feel so numb. How will I be able to go on living"
Those were some of the things I wrote in those days leading up to and right after. As I read my own words, I felt a deep, crushing sorrow for that 40 year old mom of 3 boys who were only 10, 7, and 4 years old at the time. It literally felt like something was sucking the air out of me.
And, I also realized that life was not over, even though I felt like it was in that moment. It was certainly forever different, but 10 years later I am here and have embraced that this was part of the story God wrote for Rod Cook's life, my life, my boys' lives, his parent's lives, and all those who were impacted by him. God never left my side...not once! There has been some hard. There has been some beautiful. There has been everything in between. Parenting alone for these years was by far the most challenging thing I have ever done, and it was not done perfectly. In fact, I really messed up many times. I have and will continue to make a lot of mistakes. But, they are now 20, 17, and 14, and I'm proud of them and the young men that they are. I know their dad is too.
For 10 years, I decided to write 10 "statements" that I felt like most described him:
- His passion for Jesus was evident.
- He loved his boys with every fiber of his being.
- His smile was contagious.
- He invested whole-heartedly in what he believed in.
- He was kind.
- He was hard-working.
- He inspired others to be their best.
- He loved baseball, college football, and golf.
- He was loyal.
- He made me a better person.
We miss you every day, ROD COOK...but, we will see you again. Because of what Jesus did on the cross and the hope that gave us through salvation, we will rejoice! This is not our final home. You will never be forgotten. Your legacy lives on and is strong!
2 Corinthians 4:18- "We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
Lamentations 3:32- "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is HIS unfailing love."
