When the Dust Settles

The marker at Bunky's gravesite finally came in. I think he would be proud of it.

I knew it would begin happening for me. The dust would "settle" and reality would come crashing in. Grief is so interesting how it comes in waves and at the most bizarre times. I believe for 3 months, I kicked in to "Super Missy" mode. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that it is my personality to stay calm and non-emotional when something devastating happens. I have my moments, but they are just that….mine, not to share with many others. They happen late at night (or early in the morning) when my kids are sleeping. The evenings are truly the loneliest times imaginable.

I cannot begin to explain the amount of paperwork and phone calls that need to be made soon after you lose a spouse, especially when you have young kids. It is emotionally exhausting and draining in every sense of the word. And yes, it really does take hours every day. I still have some stacks of "unfinished business" that I had to just give up on for now.

Then, the pumpkin patch came along. Thankfully, I wasn't required to be involved with it this year, nearly as much as I have in the past. Nonetheless, it was still a focus of attention and honestly, a good distraction.

So, here we are at the end of November. Thanksgiving and Christmas are upon us. I have found that the tears flow more freely and frequently. They are triggered by some of the most simple and strange things at times. In fact, had you been at the car tag and title renewal office the other day, you would have witnessed one of my more random occurrences. Of course, in God's provision, the cashier lost her husband 3 years ago. Needless to say, she ended up on the other side of the counter hugging me while I sobbed. I can't even tell you exactly what brought it on.

In all honesty, I dread the holidays. Everything is a reminder that I am not only grieving the present, but also the past and the future. It is sometimes hard to even look into my boy's faces right now….knowing what they miss and will miss out on in the days to come. I am heartbroken for them.

The dust has settled and my new reality has come crashing down around me. So, this Thanksgiving I would challenge others to really take a minute to think about what you are thankful for. Don't just skip over Thanksgiving in anticipation of Christmas. Go one step further…let someone know if you are thankful for them and why. It may be your last opportunity. Don't let it pass. If you see me, please don't tell me your complaints about family and holidays. I can't hear it right now. I would give anything to have him home for even one more Christmas.