Hope

The boys and I are here at the beach for spring break. We just needed to get away. I needed a mental escape and they needed some fun without routine. I remember booking the flight and condo months ago and thinking ahead to what this would be like. I don't think I could've begun to capture then, what consumes me now. If so, well,... I may not have come. Don't get me wrong, aside from a bumpy start (literally, on the airplane and figuratively as well), I have marveled at these three boys and how blessed I am to be their mom. We have had a lot of fun together and I have enjoyed just watching and interacting with them, whether it's playing on the beach or eating bowls of popcorn with m&m's, while watching movies each night in our condo.

I needed to do this alone. They needed to see that I could do this alone. I have. They saw. Now I feel the weight of the "aloneness." I see so many families here and truly feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. Our first family vacation without him. His absence is overwhelming. I still want to automatically say "party of 5" when asked at the restaurant. I want to shake the dad on the beach who is consumed with his iPhone, while his son digs in the sand alone, just 4 feet in front of him. I cry every time I see a couple about our age walking down the beach holding hands. I can hardly bear to watch the sunset (one of our favorite things to do together), yet at the same time, I'm drawn to it and completely overtaken by the beauty of it.

There are also the logistical issues. Everything has to be thought through, including trips to the bathroom, because there is not someone else there to stay with those who don't need to go, etc. I see lots of people out jogging and wish I had that luxury. When one wants to walk around looking for sea shells…guess what…we all need to go looking for sea shells. There is a lot of compromise going on, which is good for the boys. At the same time, it is a constant reminder that I am outnumbered and missing my other set of parental eyes and hands.

And then, on the other hand, I am thankful for the 2 dads and their sons, who came over and asked my boys if they wanted to play ultimate beach frisbee with them. I laugh at the way Cooper talks to himself, throws sand passionately into the water, and dances in front of the waves. I enjoy watching Colby work so diligently, tongue sticking out, on the hole he is digging in the sand. I smile as Carson spends an hour molding the perfect "beach chair," fully equipped with "arm rests," out of sand for me to sit in, and then says "that will be a dollar" after I actually sit in it. I love being told, "mom, you are pretty good at throwing the frisbee" and "mom, you are spoiling us" because they've gotten ice-cream twice since we've been here. I enjoy hearing the laughter and watching them throw the football on the beach. I even enjoy seeing them covered from head to toe, every crack and crevice, in white sand…because it means they have had FUN!

So, even while nothing feels right in my world. Even when Bunky being gone feels magnified times 1,000 while on vacation, I have felt God's presence every day. It's hard to be in a place like this and NOT feel more deeply connected to the Maker of the universe.

We can all now say, we did it. There were times it just felt wrong and hard. But, there were times it has felt okay. I am convinced these moments will always have their sting. My new normal is not what I would choose, but it is not without hope either. I will take one step forward. I may take two or three or four back. I may even have to be carried on some days. But. I. Will. Step. Forward. In. Hope.

Carson stopped on our walk down the beach to make a heart with  "RC/ Dad"   :(

Finally, speaking of Hope, I listened to this song several times tonight on my iPod, as I watched the sunset. Tears streamed as I thought about the hope that IS in front of me, because of what Christ did on the cross. Our circumstances and the things that seem big to us in this life, are like the tiny grains of sand on this beach, in light of eternity.

"God, help me fix my eyes on YOU."

Here is a link to listen to the song by Danny Gokey. He wrote this song as part of his healing after his wife died unexpectedly, right before his audition for American Idol (Season 8). He ended up taking 3rd place.

Here are the lyrics to "HOPE IN FRONT OF ME" by Danny Gokey

I've been running through rain 
That I thought would never end 
Trying to make it on faith 
In a struggle against the wind 

I've seen the dark and the broken places 
But I know in my soul 
No matter how bad it gets 
I'll be alright 

There's hope in front of me 
There's a light, I still see it 
There's a hand still holding me 
Even when I don't believe it 
I might be down but I'm not dead 
There's better days still up ahead 
Even after all I've seen 
There's hope in front of me 

There's a place at the end of the storm 
You finally find 
Where the hurt and the tears and the pain 
All fall behind 

You open up your eyes and up ahead 
There's a big sun shining 
Right then and there you realize 
You'll be alright 

There's hope in front of me 
There's a light, I still see it 
There's a hand still holding me 
Even when I don't believe it 
I might be down but I'm not dead 
There's better days still up ahead 
Even after all I've seen 
There's hope in front of me 

There's a hope still burning 
I can feel it rising trough the night 
And my world's still turning 
I can feel your love here by my side 

You're my hope 
You're the light, I still see it 
Your hands are holding me 
Even when I don't believe it 
I've got to believe 
I still have hope 
You are my hope


“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged” (Deuteronomy 31:8).