Stories

I sometimes think of my life before Bunky died and it seems like an eternity ago. Other times it feels so recent. So much so that I'm not even sure I really believe it has happened. People are so well-intentioned, and I was one of those people at various points in my life. Now that I am on a different side  of things, I wish I could take back things I said that I thought were the "right" thing. More importantly, I wish I would have not said anything at all sometimes…because sometimes, that really is the best thing in the moment.

I think one of the things I absolutely love the most, is when someone shares a story with me or the boys about something Bunky said or did. Funny. Sweet. Stupid. It doesn't matter. I just like hearing his name in a conversation and listening to others share their memories.

It seems a lot of people are afraid to do this…I would have been before. People are afraid they will upset me and then God forbid, I might get emotional and they don't know how to handle that. So, they just don't bring him up. For me...my daily life...from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep (and even after I go to sleep), is a constant reality of the void that is now my world. I miss him. He was here one minute and gone the next. To hear about him from others, who have specific memories that I might not even know about, brings a little piece of him back to me for that moment. Might I get emotional? Possibly, but I have no expectations for anyone to do anything with that. I'm just grateful for a small moment to remember. It's like a salve that takes the sting out of an open wound…even if just for a moment. The pain is still there and I have no idea if or when that will ever really go away. All I know is that a little of the sting stopped for just a minute, as I found joy in remembering the man he was. So, please don't be afraid to tell me or the boys your stories. To remember is to honor.

An example of one of the stories that has just been a great reminder of how much fun Bunky was, is the story of "Netter" from Camp John Marc. He was a part of the first summer staff and told me about his time there on our very first date. I knew immediately how special this place was to him. He would tell the campers about an imaginary fish he named "Netter," which could not be caught and even broke the net. Chronically ill campers still enjoy trying to catch the big imaginary catfish. In fact, Camp Director, Vance Gilmore, sent the boys shirts he had made with Camp John Marc and Netter on them. The boys love hearing these stories and so do I. Please don't stop sharing them with us.

When the Dust Settles

The marker at Bunky's gravesite finally came in. I think he would be proud of it.

I knew it would begin happening for me. The dust would "settle" and reality would come crashing in. Grief is so interesting how it comes in waves and at the most bizarre times. I believe for 3 months, I kicked in to "Super Missy" mode. Anyone who knows me at all, knows that it is my personality to stay calm and non-emotional when something devastating happens. I have my moments, but they are just that….mine, not to share with many others. They happen late at night (or early in the morning) when my kids are sleeping. The evenings are truly the loneliest times imaginable.

I cannot begin to explain the amount of paperwork and phone calls that need to be made soon after you lose a spouse, especially when you have young kids. It is emotionally exhausting and draining in every sense of the word. And yes, it really does take hours every day. I still have some stacks of "unfinished business" that I had to just give up on for now.

Then, the pumpkin patch came along. Thankfully, I wasn't required to be involved with it this year, nearly as much as I have in the past. Nonetheless, it was still a focus of attention and honestly, a good distraction.

So, here we are at the end of November. Thanksgiving and Christmas are upon us. I have found that the tears flow more freely and frequently. They are triggered by some of the most simple and strange things at times. In fact, had you been at the car tag and title renewal office the other day, you would have witnessed one of my more random occurrences. Of course, in God's provision, the cashier lost her husband 3 years ago. Needless to say, she ended up on the other side of the counter hugging me while I sobbed. I can't even tell you exactly what brought it on.

In all honesty, I dread the holidays. Everything is a reminder that I am not only grieving the present, but also the past and the future. It is sometimes hard to even look into my boy's faces right now….knowing what they miss and will miss out on in the days to come. I am heartbroken for them.

The dust has settled and my new reality has come crashing down around me. So, this Thanksgiving I would challenge others to really take a minute to think about what you are thankful for. Don't just skip over Thanksgiving in anticipation of Christmas. Go one step further…let someone know if you are thankful for them and why. It may be your last opportunity. Don't let it pass. If you see me, please don't tell me your complaints about family and holidays. I can't hear it right now. I would give anything to have him home for even one more Christmas.

Sunsets Will Never Be the Same

After the CTF pumpkin patch (about every other year) our small group tries to get away to the beach for a week together. I told a friend, not long after Rod went home to be with Jesus, that I longed to go to the beach and see the sunset. Of course, I am finding now that everything that may feel enjoyable for me is tempered with an underlying loneliness, that I fear, may never really go away. You see, this was one of my husbands absolute favorite things in life. It was referenced in his Celebration of Life service and a video that would be played at his service in conjunction with "Amazing Grace", was actually captured on the beach trip the year before. You can watch it HERE if you have time.

I remember countless sunsets with him. I remember many conversations between the two of us, as we watched in awe of God's brilliant ability to create something so magnificent. Many beautiful moments shared with the love of my life as we watched sunsets together. We talked about our hopes, our dreams, our children. We talked of how we would one day like to own property close to the beach, because it was the place we relaxed the most. I, of course, was going to have to take golf lessons, to keep the game somewhat interesting for him. We would grow old together and play all the beautiful golf courses close to the beach, as long as our physical bodies would let us. We would hopefully get to enjoy our kids and grandkids for years to come. It was "our" plan. God's plan was different. Still, I am thankful to have those sweet memories made while watching many sunsets over 17 years.

One thing I remember most about sunsets with him, was that he truly wanted to watch the sun ALL the way down...as in, it is dark and the moon is glistening on the tides coming in. Once that happened, he was happy to pack up and join the other couples, who were typically showered and waiting on us to go eat dinner somewhere. I would often get frustrated and want him to hurry, knowing that others were waiting on us. He was steadfast and unwilling to give in to my requests to leave until he had watched it go completely down and turn dark.

This year we did a girls vs. couples trip to the beach. I am grateful for the sweet sacrifice made by my friends, as I know there's just something wonderful about being at the beach with your spouse. Five out of seven nights we were there we were able to watch a full sunset...."Bunky style." And let me just say, I loved every second of it. I probably for the very first time just "got it"...why he loved it so. It was breath-takingly beautiful and unhurried. Stunning. Comforting. I felt as close as I could humanly feel to his presence with me. I had dear friends who sat with me in my tears and heartache, surrounded me with prayer and music playing on the iphone, and who stuck it out in the cold sand and rapidly dropping temperatures, until I was ready to go. Just what I needed.

I was ever so aware that I would never get to experience another sunset from the vantage point I was at, with my Bunky. It hurt at a deep level that I can't even put into words. I know that what he sees is indescribably more beautiful than my most beautiful sunset experience on this earth, yet it tore me to pieces when the reality of him never sitting beside me again to watch the sun set washed over me. Reality is harsh, but necessary for healing. In spite of it, My Heavenly Father, the very ONE who created the sunsets, is close to the brokenhearted and I feel Him near. I long to see what is in store for me in Heaven, because my sunsets here on earth will never really quite be the same again.

I miss you more than words can say, my love!

"Tides" of Excitement and Sorrow "Roll" in Tuscaloosa

Last weekend Carson, Colby, and I went to Tuscaloosa to cheer on the Alabama Crimson Tide! They were so excited to watch a game and live the experience they have heard about over and over from their daddy. Bittersweet, seems like an understatement, but is probably the only word I can come
up with.

I wasn't prepared for the emotional wreck it caused within me personally. I knew it would be fun to watch the excitement on their faces, as it was. I just wasn't prepared for how it ripped me apart at the same time. Bunky should have been there to experience this with them. I smile just imagining the proud look on his face. For him to see his boys' expressions as we walked through campus before the game, would have been priceless. He would be beaming and so excited to tell them at least a thousand facts about everything they saw.

Thankfully, one of Bunky's dearest, long time friends, Dan, and his family went with us. Dan was struggling himself, and not a word was needed between us. We both knew the sadness and longing we felt for Bunky to be the one there, doing this with his boys. There were several times Dan and I would just look at each other, acknowledging the tears that filled our eyes...knowing the unspoken thoughts. It was hard. It was fun. It was a million emotions wrapped into one. I suppose that is what any number of things will feel like.

Tuscaloosa holds a special place in my heart. Not only is it where I met the love of my life, but it was our first place to call home as a married couple. It was the place where Bunky lured me in to all things BAMA. It is where we first found out we were pregnant, and also where we experienced the great loss of our first pregnancy. It is where we discovered we were pregnant again...with our first son. Tuscaloosa is where he tirelessly pursued a career in pharmaceuticals. It is where he would be offered his first job in that industry, by the same man who would become a dear friend and speak at his funeral 14 years later. So many memories were made in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. I wasn't quite prepared for them to all come rushing back (like a tide), the moment we drove into the city. They did. It hurt. Yet, there was some redemption in seeing the pride and excitement on the boys' faces. So, I still say "Roll Tide," yet there is something different about it now. There is no doubt, I am grateful for that experience for Carson and Colby, in spite of my sadness.

Pumpkin Patch

Pumpkin Patch 2013 for The Cooper Trooper Foundation is underway and going well. There is just a big absence felt. We all feel it....everyone who has spent time over the last 3 years devoting many hours during their October to help. This was Bunky's passion. The success of our biggest fundraiser for the foundation rested heavy on him. It was personal. He measured success not only on the money made, but even more on how many new people were made aware of the impact of childhood cancer. It's hard to greet people and tell the story that I have told for the last 3 years. There is just so much more to my story now...to our story. It's hard. It's raw. I can almost feel myself choke on my own words as I speak to customers. Yet, that's where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I want this to be the best year ever and honor his dreams. I want him to be proud. I feel certain that he is.

How life can change in just 6 months

I realize it has been since Cooper's last MRI in April, that I have posted anything. I'm not even sure how to go backwards and really recapture all that has transpired in the last 6 months. At the same time, I have felt "nudged" by God to write. Write what? I don't really know. Write where? Continue writing in my journal? Pick the blog up again? I'm not even sure. I just know it's what I should do. I believe there is healing in it. I believe in the importance of recording moments, as we are never promised tomorrow. And what we have to say today; well, it may be of real value to someone tomorrow or at some point in the future. So, here it is or here it goes. I'm not sure what it looks like. I don't know how "messy" it will be or how much of my heart I really want to share. I will let God lead me in that. What I know in this moment are these things: 1.) I ache for my husband to be next to me even just for one more day. 2.) I'm certain that God is who HE says HE is and that HE will be faithful....even when I want to shake my fists at Him, in seething anger for what HE has allowed to happen. 3.) My boys fill me with joy and bring daily reminders of God's goodness. 4.) I am beyond blessed by those who have lifted my arms when I couldn't, who have allowed me to just be me (no matter how ugly that may look), and have extended grace, even when I can't seem to do that for myself.

Another Clear MRI for Cooper

Waking up from the anesthesia after MRI

April 3rd, Cooper went for his routine 6 month MRI to check for recurrence of tumor. Praise Jesus it was clear....no evidence of disease!! With each passing period of time between scans, I feel more confident that we have really beat cancer. I'm not sure if I will ever be totally worry-free, especially right before a scan. However, I know my God is good and HIS peace blankets my fragile mom's heart. He always meets me right where I am.

We truly are blessed to live in a city with a hospital like Monroe Carell Jr. Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt. We have gotten to know the nurses, anesthesiologists, and radiologists in the Radiology Dept. quite well. They have taken this journey with us and really are special to us. There is something so comforting about seeing their familiar faces when we have to be back at the hospital, not just for Cooper, but for us as well.

Cooper with nurse Christa! We absolutely love her!

Cooper with his Oncologist, Dr. Ho.....such a great man!

Celebrating and thanking God for great results again!!