Just One Game

This afternoon I felt really tired. Just blah. Emotionally zapped. I remember looking forward to Sunday afternoons before Bunky died. He would typically entertain the boys after church with some outdoor activity or game. It was my chance to grocery shop (alone), take a little nap, or just whatever I wanted/needed to do.  I took that for granted, as I did a lot of things.

Today some dear friends ended up taking all 3 boys for the afternoon. After a quick trip to the grocery store, it was honestly a treat to lay on the couch for a while without someone needing something. The house was quiet. I missed him desperately. I just wanted to scream out, "Thank you for all the Sunday afternoons you gave me." I'm thankful for people in my life who know me well enough to just be able to look into my eyes and know when they have to insist on something with me. It is still hard for me to ask for help sometimes.

The boys crashed through the door and my quietness was quickly filled with requests. No gradual re-entry. None. It's okay though, because I don't want to miss opportunities to show my boys that they are important to me. I want to delight in them because they are a gift. After all, tomorrow is not promised. I know this all too well. So, just one game, mom? How can I say no? Even when all that is in me has no desire to play games. Everything in me wishes their dad was here so he could play a game with them. But he is not. So, I will.

I played. And guess what? I am so glad that I did.

Good Grief: The Beauty of Healing in the Midst of Grieving

Grief is unpredictable. I have been in a place of anger the last few weeks. Anger about our new reality. Anger about why this has happened. Anger at others for not realizing what they have. Anger about what has come. Anger about what has gone. Anger as I think about our future. These feelings have been intense, and somehow seem more "acceptable" to me than letting myself be sad.

I think for most of my life, I have done a good job at controlling my emotions. When I don't want to feel sad, well, I just tell myself to not feel sad…and bam, it's like a light switch. No more sadness. If I need to stay calm and rational in the midst of traumatic situations, the switch gets flipped, and you guessed it…I'm as cool as a cucumber (probably a good thing with 3 boys). Some might see this as a blessing, a gift. As I have walked through several trials in my life, I am realizing that it is really a curse. Sure, there are situations that this is an advantage. However, when working through grief; not so much.

You see, when working through grief, it is imperative that you let yourself feel and that you are in touch with those feelings. Whether it's letting yourself sit in sadness or allowing yourself to be mad. Really, really mad. If you are too quick to turn it off or run from it…it will find it's way back to you. And if it is unresolved, then watch out…down the road the real issues will come.

As I am ever so aware of my anger, I know that other emotions will come and go. My fear of feeling those emotions in their deepest form, creeps in. I will let myself feel, no matter how ugly that gets. God designed us to experience great emotion. It truly is a gift from Him. There are so many examples in the Bible of deep emotion and feelings. Whether it was David in the Psalms, singing for joy, or Job expressing his sorrow.

The beauty of healing comes as I let myself really feel. I am letting go of expectations I have on myself about what this is "supposed" to look like. Raw emotion, regardless of how that looks, is what I am resigning to.

I realize there are a lot of people who think it's time to move on, and for the worlds of most of those around me, it has. It moved on months ago. That's okay. It's expected. And, if you are wondering…yes, I am angry about that too. I'm not angry at any person, just at the circumstances. So, as far as the world moving on…just don't expect the same for me. My world seemed to stop 6 1/2 months ago, while the world around me went on. My world is playing "catch up" with my reality. The world as I know it will never be the same again. It will move at a different pace now.

Regardless of how different my world looks and will proceed to function, I am thankful that there is a God who is big enough and can handle my discrepancy with the rest of the world. And, by the way, He is big enough to handle my anger and all my emotions too.

John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in my you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Funny Times

Bunky's 43rd birthday would have been this coming February 13th. It feels important to do something special to commemorate this day with the boys. I have been thinking for a while now about what that looks like. Not exactly sure what I wanted to do, it came to me after a recent conversation with Carson one night this past week.

Carson was teary as I was tucking him in bed. This is not unusual. Nights are hard. They are hard for me on many levels. I think they are hard for Carson for some of the same reasons. You see, after trying to hold it together all day, with constant reminders all around you…slowing down to go to sleep at night is like an abrupt smack in the face with all that's been held at bay in front of everyone else. Your mind starts to slow down and a flood gate just opens up, at the very moment you want to turn it off. So, many nights we spend time talking through these hard emotions that creep in. Some nights, he even knows it's coming before the first tear falls, and tries desperately to steer the conversation into something lighter. I am happy to go there and don't force these conversations. I get it….I really do.

The other night, Carson said he really missed his dad's laugh and never wanted to forget it. He felt like he was starting to forget his dad's laugh and some of the funny times they had. Thankfully, I have plenty of video to remember. He wanted me to tell him funny things his dad had said or had done. He wanted funny stories. We enjoyed talking about some of them and it did our heavy hearts good. His dad really was funny. Always making those around him laugh. Always doing funny things. We used to always tell each other that we might be old, gray, and senile, but one thing we would always have was laughter with each other. I miss his sense of humor more than I could've ever imagined. Things just aren't that funny to me anymore.

So, to commemorate his 43rd birthday, I would like to ask those who knew Bunky (or Rod) to email me just a funny story you have of him. It can be something he said or did…whatever you want (just please keep it appropriate for me to read to my boys!) :) You can email it to me at missycook@bellsouth.net. If you will put your name and how you knew him as well, that would be great. It doesn't have to be long.

I think it will be neat to read these to the boys and I plan to make a book to put them in for them to have for years to come. Please take just a few minutes to share your funny story. It will make an impact, that you cannot even fathom. I would give anything to have something like this from my own mom. So, I know it will be a priceless treasure to Carson, Colby, and Cooper.

Try to do this by Feb. 1st if possible, so I can get them together. Just put "Funny story" in the subject if you can remember. Thank you for taking time to do this!

Half

It is so hard to believe that today it has been 6 months since He's been gone. Half a year. Some days that feels indescribably real and harsh. Most days it still doesn't seem real at all. A new year on the calendar comes with sorrow and hope. Sorrow,  as it is difficult to close the door on 2013…the last "year" my Bunky was on this earth with me. Hope, as we move forward, trusting God to heal our broken hearts.

So, as I think about my life in the half of a year since his death, I'm keenly aware of many things that now fill my reality.

Half of my heart has been missing since July 3rd, 2013. Half of the bed remains empty each night. Half of the conversations once had on a daily basis, have been silenced. Half of our amazing parenting "team" is gone, and I face those challenges alone. Half of the noise that once filled this house, has been quieted. Half of the food is not eaten, and groceries cost less. Half of the driveway is now open, without a second car. Half of what was our normal laundry, no longer needs washing (oh, what I would give to wash all those clothes….even though it used to infuriate me when clean clothes somehow ended up in the dirty, just because he didn't want to hang them back up). Half the money spent at Sonic buying only my Diet Vanilla Coke, without his Diet Cherry Coke added to the order. Half of my thoughts are filled with guilt over what I should have done differently each day, to love him better.

Half of who I am died with him 6 months ago today. I miss him more than words can say. 

I read something tonight that was written by C.S. Lewis after he lost his wife, that really resonated with me. I think this analogy is what I will use to explain to someone who asks me how long will my grief last.

"In one sense, your grief will always be with you. Losing a spouse is like having your leg amputated. You don't get over an amputated leg. The wound may heal, but the leg will never grow back. You'll always have that absence in your life, and you'll never walk the same again." 
-C.S. Lewis

Isaiah 54:10
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of PEACE be removed," says the Lord, who has compassion on you.

Christmas 2013

It is often said, "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." I do not like this statement, nor do I agree with it. In God's own word, He says that His grace is sufficient for us, and His power is made perfect in our WEAKNESS (2 Corinthians 12:9). I believe that God does, in fact, give us more than we can handle. He doesn't want US to "handle" anything. Through His grace and power, He gives us the strength to persevere when our circumstances are unbearable. When faced with life situations that are really just too much, Christ draws us to Him to seek the strength to "handle" what is otherwise humanly impossible.

This Christmas has honestly been too much for me to "handle." The day came and went. What felt humanly unbearable for me, was survived. I literally existed through the day. Only a couple of days later, it really feels like a blur. Did I enjoy moments? Somewhat. Were there moments of happiness and the wonder that is experienced around children on Christmas day? Yes. However, I fought to keep my thoughts from drifting to the longing my heart felt to have Bunky here with me. Everything was a constant reminder to me of what was missing.

Cousins on Christmas morning- Ethan, Alea, Emma, Carson, Caylee, Colby, and Cooper

My boys with most of their cousins at Playtime Pizza

Me and my sister, Heather

Foosball tournaments at night with the family!

I was glad to be in Arkansas with family, yet, was ever so aware of the reason WHY I was actually there for Christmas and not at home. The boys enjoyed spending time with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. It was a great distraction for them. Just what they needed. I was glad to see my family, but continually fought to stay in the moment of who was around me, rather than be bitter about who wasn't. I found joy sprinkled in with the loneliness I felt. God, no doubt, used my family to help me get through this holiday…to help me "handle" my reality. I am thankful for His grace. Without experiencing the deep valley that I am in, I would never experience the full measure of what He offers to sustain me. That really is a blessing, and I am choosing to believe that. Most of all, this Christmas brought an even greater awareness of the HOPE that started with a baby in a manger. Because God sent His only son to this earth as a baby to later die on a cross for me…I know the end result. This is not it. I rejoice that this is not my home and that one day I will be doing just what Bunky did this Christmas…celebrate Jesus' birthday with Jesus himself. What a party that will be!

Papa (my daddy) with Carson, Colby, and Paxton (cousin) at "Playtime Pizza" in Little Rock.

Cooper playing with his cousin, Emma

Uncle Craig, Nonny, Papa, Aunt Lauren and Ethan. Caylee and Abby Grace in front.

My prayer for 2014, and for every day, is that I will not ever attempt to "handle" anything on my own. Rather, that I would rest in His great love and provision for whatever each new day brings.

Wrapped in LOVE

My heart truly does overflow with gratefulness for how well we are loved. I still get cards in the mail regularly…sometimes from people I don't even really know, letting me know that we are thought of and prayed for. I have kept every email, every card and I treasure them. There is just something about written words that can penetrate the heart over and over, as they are read now and in the future. Never underestimate the power of taking a few minutes to write (or type) your thoughts to another. I truly cherish others encouraging words.

Another gift that I will always cherish, is one given to me by my small group (community group). Our family has been a part of this group together for over 6 years and truly value the dear relationships formed through it. It is refreshing to be authentic with others and share your vulnerabilities as individuals, as a couple, and as parents, without fear of judgment. It is a rare gift. The boys and I continue to be a part of that group. They walked with us through some of our hardest days when Cooper was diagnosed with cancer, and they continue to be a constant support to me and the boys with the loss of Bunky, along with so many others.

This group had some of Bunky's special t-shirts made into a quilt for me! I love this and can't put into words how much it means to me.

They also had quilts made for each of the boys with their daddy's t-shirts/ jerseys from teams of theirs he had coached. We will always cherish these special gifts. 

If you come by our house this winter (or anytime really), you will most likely find at least one of us wrapped up in our quilts. We all love them. The boys sleep with theirs and love to show them off and talk about the stories behind the different shirts. It just feels like it brings a little piece of him closer. We are blessed to be so "Wrapped in Love."

Christmas Letter 2013

Below is the letter I intended to send out with our Christmas cards. It was a little long, so I decided to post it here instead….

This was last Christmas Eve as the boys and their daddy "tracked" Santa on the computer. I love this!

Merry Christmas to you and your family!

On July 3, 2013, our world as we knew it came to a screeching halt. The most amazing husband, father, son, friend, coach, mentor...a 42 year-old man who was so many things to so many people... left this journey on earth and embraced his eternal home in Heaven. Not a day goes by that we don’t long to see him, hear his voice, or feel his presence in a tangible way. At the very core of our family, we feel broken, displaced, and incomplete. 

Grief is a strange thing. It seems that one minute life seems okay and at best...livable, but just under the surface, the reality that all you have known for years and all that you intended to know for years to come, has just been ripped away. The boys and I have moments of joy and laughter and love to talk about our favorite memories or “what do you think dad would say/do about that?” Even the moments of happiness, which sometimes feel fewer and farther between, are tainted and tempered with the pain of loss. 

Nothing can ever prepare someone for suddenly losing the love of their life. There are times I look at our boys and can hardly breathe, just imagining what I will face in the days and years to come, without having their dad here to share in it with me. What I do know, is that I believe in an Almighty God. One who was not caught off guard by this and the ONE who will slowly mend the broken pieces of the core of our family together again. He is near to the broken-hearted and will faithfully carry us when our legs just won’t take one more step. 

I also know that HE is the reason I have HOPE that this broken world is not the end. Because He sacrificed His ONLY son, Jesus Christ, our sins are forgiven, our debt has been paid, we have been redeemed. Nothing and no one can keep us from His love for us. Basically, this life is NOT it...not all we have to look forward to. There is nothing greater than knowing these truths and knowing that my man is basking in the glory of His Savior. I can’t wait to join him one day! I hope that this holiday season, the birth of Jesus, the VERY one whom my husband is now in the presence of, will be more real to you than ever before. I can think of nothing Rod Cook would love more, than to know his friends and family will be joining him at his party in Heaven one day. 

For all that has been done for us, well, it is honestly just overwhelming. I couldn’t possibly begin to sit down and thank every person for all the MANY ways you have cared for and blessed us. We have had strangers show up at our door with food, gifts, and money. The boys have had countless sleepovers, play dates, and rides to practices. The meals have ministered to me like you wouldn’t believe, as I have just felt weary, and unable to think through coming up with grocery lists to cook. The cards, phone calls, texts, emails, gift cards, interior and exterior house decorating and maintenance, helping with homework, house cleaning, yard maintenance, and the list could really go on forever! We have felt your prayers and continue to feel deeply loved in every way. It is truly a testimony to the kind of man Rod was. 

I cherish every second that I had with him. Bunky used to always talk about how what really mattered was the “dash” between his birth date and the date he would die. His life on this earth, which represented the “dash,” leaves a remarkable legacy and lasting impact on those whose lives he touched. Each of you have honored him well by the way you have supported us.... “Thank You”....just isn’t adequate, but please know my heart is overflowing with gratitude. 

The boys and I continue to go to therapy, as we process this great loss. Carson and Colby are both starting basketball and are doing well in school. Cooper is just enjoying being in Kindergarten and isn’t interested in team sports yet, although, he did mention the other day that he wanted to take “Ninja Guitar” lessons...not sure what that is? We had a wonderful pumpkin patch this year for The Cooper Trooper Foundation. I am so thankful for the many who stepped up and took such a load for me this year. Our sales were up 41% from last year. Rod Cook would be celebrating that one...and I feel certain he is! 

Finally, I just wanted to ask for continued prayers this year for some specific things:
Colby’s birthday (2/10)- Rod’s was 2/13 and they always celebrated together, so I know this year will be tough for Colby. Spring Baseball season (this will be hard for all of us, as he had a huge presence with spring baseball), Carson’s birthday (5/20), He went home to be with Jesus (7/3), Cooper’s birthday (7/28),  Anniversary (8/1), My birthday (9/6)

With hearts full of love and gratitude, 

Missy, Carson, Colby, and Cooper Cook